This image spoke to me, because it
was me. I have never been “okay” that I can really remember. I faked a smile a
lot. Most of my life, if I am being honest. I’ve been told by a lot of people
that I am really nice. I think that is sweet. Mostly because they don’t see the
shattered pieces behind the mask I put on. I covered those broken pieces,
because I didn’t think they were the parts of me I was supposed to share. “Fake
it until you make it” right? So, I became a master of disguise. Clothed in
quietness, believing my voice didn’t matter. Quieting her, because who would
want to listen? To the point, that some days I barely even recognized myself. What I find sad, is that I thought I was succeeding by doing
these things. Cover it up, so no one can see. That’s the fucked up part
about the message the world sends you, or at least my world. Hold it together,
you don’t have it that bad.
I fell into a perception of
safety, by not letting anyone close. I lived my life anticipating life’s next
move. I wanted to be ahead. To be guarded, so the next blow didn’t hurt as bad.
Life is full of hurt, we all know that. So, I thought to myself, what better
way to defend than to never feel. This left me living an extremely closed off
and guarded life, never really letting anyone in. Sounds nice, right? You can’t
get hurt this way. At least, that’s what I thought.
Well, my rude awakening was,
that’s not how life works. Not by a long shot. The blows still come, the hurt
still hurts. Things still suck. So, then I thought, why am I doing this? Living
a life closed off, even from the people that I claim to love. Is that really
all life has to offer?
Well, this is what I decided…FUCK
NO! Life is so much more. So much more than faking my smiles. So much more than
quieting my voice. So much more than wearing a mask. So much more than covering
up the dark and hard and complicated parts of myself that make me, well me.
So, rather than hiding, I have very
recently (and reluctantly, I might add) decided to live life without a mask. That
isn’t me anymore. I don’t have to live in survival mode every second of my day.
I am tired of hiding me. I’m done with that life. Done pretending. Done being
fake. Done smiling just to smile and make others feel comfortable.
Right now, I am discovering that I
don’t want to be or need to be anything but my god damn self. She is enough. I
am turning my breaks into my breakthroughs. I am learning that every crack I
have isn’t actually a crack, but a piece of what I thought I should be falling
away and letting my true light shine through. I am mending my heart by no one
else but myself. I am living my life with intention. I am starting to really feel. My fears and insecurities
are being put to bed by the strong, vibrant and feisty voice that I kept quiet
for way too long. She is smart, she is
intuitive and she is mother fucking loud.
So, if you see me out, I will not
fake a smile. I am not hiding behind a façade. I am giving up the survival mode
of myself that I have lived behind for so long. The lie I believed represented success, is no more. My mask is off and there is no turning back.
This is me, real and raw. Scared and vulnerable. Empowered and on fire. I am not okay….I am more than okay, because I
am me and that is enough.
