I got done reading Eleanor Oliphant is Completely Fine and immediately had the urge to write.
Eleanor is complex character, a by-product of her past. She learned how to survive by blocking things out and listening to the negative influences in her life. Not believing herself worthy. Worthy of happiness. Worthy of friendship. Worthy of closeness. Worthy of love. Worthy of even human touch. She lived her life drowned by numbing agents of abusive relationships and vodka, shut off to world. Listening to the negative voice inside her head telling her she wasn't good enough.
I connected with this character in so many ways because I too, lived a life closed off. Closed off from connection. Closed off from trust. Closed of from feelings. Closed of from, well - kind of everything in general really. What's kind of crazy about this world, is that you can live that way and still seem fine. Completely fine, actually. You can go through day after day on auto-pilot and no one even notices, because you're still doing all the things that you're "supposed to do." Most people will even view you has happy or successful. But no one actually sees the darkness that consumes you from the inside. No one really knows your story. No one but you and the negative voice in your head, and that's a dangerous place to live.
I am not sure if all people have a negative inner voice and truthfully I hope that not to be the case. But I can with absolute certainty tell you that I do, or at least did. It brought me down on a daily basis, making me believe that despite the success I had accomplished in life, somehow that wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough. I would never be good enough. I lived every day of my life with this voice inside my head, despite the positive or optimistic outlooks I tried so hard to have. To the point, that I just started to simply accept that I would never feel good enough ever again.
I love the complexity of this book, because it portrays the incredibly deep and lasting affects that an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship can have. It doesn't just haunt you when you are around the person abusing you. In fact, sometimes it haunts you the most when you are not. This voice becomes so engrained, so believed...it begins to take on a form so real, that you actually start to believe it as your own. This is another dangerous place to be. This is the place when you lose yourself and give way to the negativity that nags at you every second of every day.
It's not a fun way to live. Eleanor and I can definitely attest to that. It's dark there. It's lonely there. But the only thing more unfathomable than getting yourself out of that dark and lonely place, is believing that you deserve to. This voice comes in different forms. Sometimes quiet in the back of your head, nagging. Sometimes forefront in your face, screaming. But it's always there reminding you of all the reasons you are not worthy.
This is a little dark, but the beauty of this book, and the beauty of life - is that we actually have the power to control the narrative. I'm not saying that it's easy. It takes hard work and time and patience with yourself. It takes counseling and learning who you are. It takes facing your fears and worst of all - it takes the willingness to be open and vulnerable. You have to shine light on those dark and traumatic pieces you've stored away and stifled for so long.
But here is the cool part - sometimes when you do that, you realize they weren't even yours to carry. When your vulnerability is down, and you allow yourself to look at YOU, that is when your narrative shifts. That is when you can start to take control. When you have been hurt on such a deep emotional level, the thought of opening up old wounds or opening yourself up to new ones - sounds absolutely 100% completely repulsive. Trust me, I get that. But when I faced my demons head on, when I decided to tell that negative voice in my head to shut the fuck up - I looked it straight in the face and guess what I saw? I didn't see me at all. I saw my ex-husband. The years of emotional trauma I lived through had created it's own voice and narrative inside my head. I was physically with my ex-husband a total of five years, but I lived with him for eight. My mind got contorted by all the comments he made about me, that eventually they became facts I believed myself. With every remark he made, day after day - it slowly chipped away at my inner being so much, that there wasn't much left of Kristi at all.
There's a quote in the book that says, "fire test gold, as adversity tests the brave." I've had my fair share of adversity, but emotional abuse is a whole different level. It can mind fuck you so bad, that you actually start to treat yourself the way your abuser did without even noticing it. Man, what a freaking powerful book this is. I lived with Eleanor as I read this book. I felt her lows and empathized her rock bottoms. I celebrated her epiphanies....until I finally cried with her in triumph. It doesn't take believing you are brave to overcome. Sometimes, it simply takes a step - just one step in the right direction. Then another step. And another. Then one more. And before you even realize it you are walking with a little momentum, back toward life. Back to truth. Back toward YOU.
So, thank you Eleanor, for letting me walk with you. Thank you for helping me open up and shine some light on the emotional abuse I had stored away. Thank you for helping me realize that this type of abuse is REAL and important to talk about. And thank you to the author, Gail Honeyman, for bringing such a beautifully tragic complex character to life. Eleanor Oliphant really is completely fine, and so am I.
