I have struggled with the topic of death for a long time, to the point that I have felt my faith on the subject has fallen short. Most of us have experienced death at least at some point in our lives. For me, I have dealt with it more than I would like. My best friend died when I was only 11 years old. She was in a fatal car wreck and the life of her mother was also taken that day. My sister had a miscarriage quite a few years back. The anger and confusion from losing a baby is hard to describe. My cousin committed suicide when I was seventeen years old. I could get into the feelings suicide evokes, but that would probably take up its own separate blog. And most recently my papa's life was taken by a very aggressive cancer, which is such an ugly ugly disease. Those are just a few examples of the more impacting experiences with death I have had, but as we all know there is death around us all every single day.
The overwhelming feeling I have been left with after all of these though has been the same and that is the question of why? I have struggled with death for so long because I just never understood how God could let these horrible things happen. If he has the power to heal why doesn't he? If he has control over everything, why doesn't he stop things from happening? A lot of people say, "everything happens for a reason" and "it's just part of God's plan." I am sorry, but I think that is a bunch of bull. People may think they are helping, but I refuse to believe that our God is a God that would "plan" for my 11 year old friend to die by a car being smashed into a tree. Or that he intended for my sister's unborn baby to be taken from us before we even got to meet. I do not believe my cousin was meant to take his own life. And I certainly don't believe that God planned for my papa to beat lung and brain cancer only to be taken by a leukemia in his blood. But then I am left with the same question....if these things are not part of His plan, then why do they happen?
With my papa passing recently, my struggle with this has really been brought to a forefront and to be honest I still wasn't really sure what I believed....until today. My pastor preached a sermon on death and he really helped something click. It clicked enough that I wanted to share and I hope you will take the time to read and share the experience with me.
First off, death was not originally supposed to be a part of our world. When sin came into this world evil and death entered with it. "Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all have sinned" (Romans 5:12). It is a fact that we live in a sin filled flawed world and that someday we all are going to die. That doesn't bring much comfort in time of grief, but it is because of this that bad things happen. Sometimes, a lot of times, to the people who we perceive deserve it the least. However, I do believe that our God can bring good out of any situation if we allow Him to. We just get so caught up in this temporary life that we forget God's intention for us is so much more. We were not meant to live in this world forever....that is one thing I can say with certainty is how God planned it to be.
The story our pastor used as an example was the story of Lazarus. Lazarus had two sisters, Mary and Martha. When Lazarus became ill they called to Jesus to heal him, but Jesus stayed where he was for two additional days before responding to their request. In this time, Lazarus died. When Jesus finally arrived Mary and Martha were angry. The way they felt, I imagine, is how I have felt in the past when I have lost someone I love. I felt sad, mad, confused. I wanted to scream at Jesus "WHERE WERE YOU?! If you had been here this wouldn't have happened, so the only conclusion is that you didn't show up when I needed you." In fact Martha says pretty much this exact thing. "Martha said (to Jesus) if you had been here my brother would not have died" (John 11: 21). There were many ways Jesus could have responded to this statement, and to be honest had it been me in His position I probably would have been a bit more snarky. But, our God is a God of patience and He calmly replied, "Dear Martha, I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die" (John 11:25). Jesus is saying to Martha, don't you see? Your brother did not die. He is more alive now than ever!
The greek word for death is thanatos, which means separation. Who we are isn't our body. Our spirit and soul are the makeup that comprise who we are, our bodies are simply their temporary home. To be absent from this body is not to be dead, but to be present with the Lord. We really do not die at all, we separate into who we are truly supposed to be. This is the version of ourselves God always intended for us to be, but through sin this plan was changed. God then found a way for us to leave this sin filled flawed world and join Him for eternal life in heaven. "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have ever lasting life" (John 3:16).
So that brings me back to my question of why do people die? Well, what I learned today is that no one really dies in the fact that they cease to exist...people separate from this life into the next because God is such a great God that despite our sins and the fact that we will always fall short, He has made a way for us to live perfectly with Him forever. While we are still left on earth to miss the loved ones we have lost, the day they die should be worth more celebration than the day they were born, for that is the day they begin to truly live.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Happy?!
Everyone wants to be happy right? It's what we all strive for. So tell me, why do so many of us find ourselves stuck? Unhappy with our lives, unhappy with who we are?
I think the answer is more simple than many people think, but often times not one people want to hear.
In a world where things are constantly handed to us I think we forget that happiness is not one of them. Very few people randomly fall into a joyous, happy, stable life by chance. Happiness does not come without effort.
Happiness comes by series of conscious decisions and efforts to make your life into what you want it to be. Happiness comes by choosing to receive God's grace. Happiness comes one choice at a time. Happiness is sometimes a gradual change. And happiness is something you can always choose to have.
I strongly believe that the most powerful thing in your life is your mind. Your thoughts, what you believe, this guides your actions and your actions make you who you are. The mind though, is a funny thing because it's always changing. The good news about this is that you can always choose how you live and what you think. Decide who you want to be and take the appropriate steps to get there.
So the next time you catch yourself complaining about life and pondering how unhappy you are with where you're at....remember that you are the only person in your life that has the power to change it.
I think the answer is more simple than many people think, but often times not one people want to hear.
In a world where things are constantly handed to us I think we forget that happiness is not one of them. Very few people randomly fall into a joyous, happy, stable life by chance. Happiness does not come without effort.
Happiness comes by series of conscious decisions and efforts to make your life into what you want it to be. Happiness comes by choosing to receive God's grace. Happiness comes one choice at a time. Happiness is sometimes a gradual change. And happiness is something you can always choose to have.
I strongly believe that the most powerful thing in your life is your mind. Your thoughts, what you believe, this guides your actions and your actions make you who you are. The mind though, is a funny thing because it's always changing. The good news about this is that you can always choose how you live and what you think. Decide who you want to be and take the appropriate steps to get there.
So the next time you catch yourself complaining about life and pondering how unhappy you are with where you're at....remember that you are the only person in your life that has the power to change it.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Supporting an Addict While Rising Above Addiction
Someone I know posted some pictures on Facebook this morning (pasted below). Her husband, who has struggled with drugs, pushed her out of a car and ran over her foot. These are brutal, but what caught my attention most wasn't the pictures themselves as much the comment she made. As I read through what happened I came across a comment where she said she was thankful this happened. That it was what she needed to realize that she couldn't save him. I think this is only a comment that someone who has been in her shoes, trying to save an addict they love, could really understand.
This blog post may not relate to everybody, but I am hoping to relate to those people who like me, have a family member that is an addict. People who have been through the struggle and have felt that same painful/thankful wake up moment. The combination of the pictures and her statement really hit me deep for a couple different reasons.
One, because of the pictures themselves. I thought to myself wow, what a great visual representation of what addiction does to those around you. My outsides might not have physically changed as I watched my sister struggle with addiction for so many years, but I can sure tell you my insides felt just like her foot for so very long, sometimes still. To watch someone you love be controlled by such an ugly substance is emotional torture. You want to save them so bad, to make them just stop.....and the realization that you can't, well that's one of the hardest parts.
That brings me to the other thing her post had me pondering. You hear people say all the time that an addict has to hit rock bottom on their own to change their ways. Well I think that same statement is true for an addict's family members and friends as well. Living with an addict or being part of an addict's life period is such a roller coaster that is truly almost impossible to not fall off of at some point. You give chance after chance after chance. You try to help and try to help and try help. And at some point this person you love so much has hurt you so badly that you realize you're almost as un-okay as they are. I think rock bottom for us is not just the understanding that we can't change the person, but the acceptance of it. This rock bottom can be considered somewhat of a blessing, but many times it takes an extreme event of hurt for this acceptance to sink in. Whether physical, mental, or emotional it is undoubtably painful. There is a line that is crossed and you realize you are no longer looking at the person you once knew. This is followed by a period of sadness and grieving as we let go, join those who have already fallen off the ride and wait for the rest of those that haven't and are still holding on.
What I think many people do not understand, particularly addicts themselves, is that this point of acceptance is not giving up on that person. It is simply realizing for yourself that they are not going to change, not matter what you do, until they decide for themselves they are ready. And until they are ready to be serious, we have no emotional energy to help without crumbling. It is not giving up on them at all, it is setting yourself free so that you can live without addiction. And I think it is at this rock bottom of realization that we are able to start rising above the addiction of our loved ones.
These were the thoughts circling my head as I got ready this morning....and then my pastor preaches a sermon on forgiveness. Oh man, God sure does have good timing. This is what I learned:
Setting yourself free does not mean you haven't forgiven someone....in fact it means that you have. Un-forgiveness can be as binding as addiction itself. So if you are struggling with this, I assure you holding onto a grudge is not the way to go. I took the liberty of looking up the definition of forgive and this is what I found.
Forgive (verb): 1. to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense,
flaw or mistake.
2. canceling a debt.
Lets start with definition number one. I skipped earlier the feelings of anger, frustration and sometimes all out furry we feel towards addiction. Sometimes at the person themselves, many times at addiction period. But as we struggle with these feelings of madness we are still on the ride. We feel every rise, drop and loop of the roller coaster we are still on. That is not the period of addiction her post made me think of (and to be honest that would take up enough room for a completely separate blog). But this helps to prove my point. Forgiveness is when these feelings stop. It is when you are no longer affected by the actions of those who hurt you (past, presence or future). It is when you let go. It is when you set yourself free. Do not mistake this for not caring. There is a big difference between not caring and no longer feeling resentful.
Definition number two, canceling a debt. I think many times when people hurt us so badly we feel like they have to do something to make up for it. That they somehow owe us and if they do enough acts of good it will somehow start canceling out all the bad they caused in the past. But this is not true and that is not what forgiveness is. When you forgive someone you wipe the slate clean. That is part of what sets you free. You're no longer waiting for the sorry you never get. You're no longer waiting for them to change.You're no longer waiting for them to "make things right." When you forgive someone you are letting go of all the hurt they have caused. And in case you need to hear it, yes you can forgive someone without them asking or even knowing that it was done. Many times we think of forgiveness as doing the debtor a favor when actually the most affected person is yourself.
Our pastor told us a few things to make forgiveness seem achievable by telling us what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is letting go. Forgiving someone does mean no longer holding grudges. And forgiveness is canceling all debt you have held toward that person. Forgiveness is not denial of what others have done. Forgiving someone does not mean they have the right to walk all over you and it does not mean you have to let them. Lastly, and the one that I personally liked the best, forgiveness is not restoration of trust. Just because you forgive somebody does not mean they automatically have all trust restored. Unconditional love and forgiveness does not have to be accompanied by unconditional trust. Not to say that it can't be eventually rebuilt.
This is long, so if you have made this far I have to say thank you. Addiction is something that pulls on my heart and I felt it was worth while to get this out into writing. Many people don't realize that it is not only the addict that has to rise above addiction. And many people that have tried don't know how rising above a loved one's addiction is done. I have to say I didn't really know what to expect myself as I sat down to write. But I think as I bring this to a close I have realized the answer to this question is forgiveness. The reason we get off that roller coaster as addict supporters isn't because we aren't there for them anymore, it's because we realize we can still be there for them without going through the loops. Our emotional stability doesn't depend on their drugs, or relapses or even them being clean. It depends on us, it depends on you. And just as an addict has to take responsibility for their choices, so do we. And for me, well I choose to forgive.
This blog post may not relate to everybody, but I am hoping to relate to those people who like me, have a family member that is an addict. People who have been through the struggle and have felt that same painful/thankful wake up moment. The combination of the pictures and her statement really hit me deep for a couple different reasons.
One, because of the pictures themselves. I thought to myself wow, what a great visual representation of what addiction does to those around you. My outsides might not have physically changed as I watched my sister struggle with addiction for so many years, but I can sure tell you my insides felt just like her foot for so very long, sometimes still. To watch someone you love be controlled by such an ugly substance is emotional torture. You want to save them so bad, to make them just stop.....and the realization that you can't, well that's one of the hardest parts.
That brings me to the other thing her post had me pondering. You hear people say all the time that an addict has to hit rock bottom on their own to change their ways. Well I think that same statement is true for an addict's family members and friends as well. Living with an addict or being part of an addict's life period is such a roller coaster that is truly almost impossible to not fall off of at some point. You give chance after chance after chance. You try to help and try to help and try help. And at some point this person you love so much has hurt you so badly that you realize you're almost as un-okay as they are. I think rock bottom for us is not just the understanding that we can't change the person, but the acceptance of it. This rock bottom can be considered somewhat of a blessing, but many times it takes an extreme event of hurt for this acceptance to sink in. Whether physical, mental, or emotional it is undoubtably painful. There is a line that is crossed and you realize you are no longer looking at the person you once knew. This is followed by a period of sadness and grieving as we let go, join those who have already fallen off the ride and wait for the rest of those that haven't and are still holding on.
What I think many people do not understand, particularly addicts themselves, is that this point of acceptance is not giving up on that person. It is simply realizing for yourself that they are not going to change, not matter what you do, until they decide for themselves they are ready. And until they are ready to be serious, we have no emotional energy to help without crumbling. It is not giving up on them at all, it is setting yourself free so that you can live without addiction. And I think it is at this rock bottom of realization that we are able to start rising above the addiction of our loved ones.
These were the thoughts circling my head as I got ready this morning....and then my pastor preaches a sermon on forgiveness. Oh man, God sure does have good timing. This is what I learned:
Setting yourself free does not mean you haven't forgiven someone....in fact it means that you have. Un-forgiveness can be as binding as addiction itself. So if you are struggling with this, I assure you holding onto a grudge is not the way to go. I took the liberty of looking up the definition of forgive and this is what I found.
Forgive (verb): 1. to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense,
flaw or mistake.
2. canceling a debt.
Lets start with definition number one. I skipped earlier the feelings of anger, frustration and sometimes all out furry we feel towards addiction. Sometimes at the person themselves, many times at addiction period. But as we struggle with these feelings of madness we are still on the ride. We feel every rise, drop and loop of the roller coaster we are still on. That is not the period of addiction her post made me think of (and to be honest that would take up enough room for a completely separate blog). But this helps to prove my point. Forgiveness is when these feelings stop. It is when you are no longer affected by the actions of those who hurt you (past, presence or future). It is when you let go. It is when you set yourself free. Do not mistake this for not caring. There is a big difference between not caring and no longer feeling resentful.
Definition number two, canceling a debt. I think many times when people hurt us so badly we feel like they have to do something to make up for it. That they somehow owe us and if they do enough acts of good it will somehow start canceling out all the bad they caused in the past. But this is not true and that is not what forgiveness is. When you forgive someone you wipe the slate clean. That is part of what sets you free. You're no longer waiting for the sorry you never get. You're no longer waiting for them to change.You're no longer waiting for them to "make things right." When you forgive someone you are letting go of all the hurt they have caused. And in case you need to hear it, yes you can forgive someone without them asking or even knowing that it was done. Many times we think of forgiveness as doing the debtor a favor when actually the most affected person is yourself.
Our pastor told us a few things to make forgiveness seem achievable by telling us what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is letting go. Forgiving someone does mean no longer holding grudges. And forgiveness is canceling all debt you have held toward that person. Forgiveness is not denial of what others have done. Forgiving someone does not mean they have the right to walk all over you and it does not mean you have to let them. Lastly, and the one that I personally liked the best, forgiveness is not restoration of trust. Just because you forgive somebody does not mean they automatically have all trust restored. Unconditional love and forgiveness does not have to be accompanied by unconditional trust. Not to say that it can't be eventually rebuilt.
This is long, so if you have made this far I have to say thank you. Addiction is something that pulls on my heart and I felt it was worth while to get this out into writing. Many people don't realize that it is not only the addict that has to rise above addiction. And many people that have tried don't know how rising above a loved one's addiction is done. I have to say I didn't really know what to expect myself as I sat down to write. But I think as I bring this to a close I have realized the answer to this question is forgiveness. The reason we get off that roller coaster as addict supporters isn't because we aren't there for them anymore, it's because we realize we can still be there for them without going through the loops. Our emotional stability doesn't depend on their drugs, or relapses or even them being clean. It depends on us, it depends on you. And just as an addict has to take responsibility for their choices, so do we. And for me, well I choose to forgive.
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