This blog post may not relate to everybody, but I am hoping to relate to those people who like me, have a family member that is an addict. People who have been through the struggle and have felt that same painful/thankful wake up moment. The combination of the pictures and her statement really hit me deep for a couple different reasons.
One, because of the pictures themselves. I thought to myself wow, what a great visual representation of what addiction does to those around you. My outsides might not have physically changed as I watched my sister struggle with addiction for so many years, but I can sure tell you my insides felt just like her foot for so very long, sometimes still. To watch someone you love be controlled by such an ugly substance is emotional torture. You want to save them so bad, to make them just stop.....and the realization that you can't, well that's one of the hardest parts.
That brings me to the other thing her post had me pondering. You hear people say all the time that an addict has to hit rock bottom on their own to change their ways. Well I think that same statement is true for an addict's family members and friends as well. Living with an addict or being part of an addict's life period is such a roller coaster that is truly almost impossible to not fall off of at some point. You give chance after chance after chance. You try to help and try to help and try help. And at some point this person you love so much has hurt you so badly that you realize you're almost as un-okay as they are. I think rock bottom for us is not just the understanding that we can't change the person, but the acceptance of it. This rock bottom can be considered somewhat of a blessing, but many times it takes an extreme event of hurt for this acceptance to sink in. Whether physical, mental, or emotional it is undoubtably painful. There is a line that is crossed and you realize you are no longer looking at the person you once knew. This is followed by a period of sadness and grieving as we let go, join those who have already fallen off the ride and wait for the rest of those that haven't and are still holding on.
What I think many people do not understand, particularly addicts themselves, is that this point of acceptance is not giving up on that person. It is simply realizing for yourself that they are not going to change, not matter what you do, until they decide for themselves they are ready. And until they are ready to be serious, we have no emotional energy to help without crumbling. It is not giving up on them at all, it is setting yourself free so that you can live without addiction. And I think it is at this rock bottom of realization that we are able to start rising above the addiction of our loved ones.
These were the thoughts circling my head as I got ready this morning....and then my pastor preaches a sermon on forgiveness. Oh man, God sure does have good timing. This is what I learned:
Setting yourself free does not mean you haven't forgiven someone....in fact it means that you have. Un-forgiveness can be as binding as addiction itself. So if you are struggling with this, I assure you holding onto a grudge is not the way to go. I took the liberty of looking up the definition of forgive and this is what I found.
Forgive (verb): 1. to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense,
flaw or mistake.
2. canceling a debt.
Lets start with definition number one. I skipped earlier the feelings of anger, frustration and sometimes all out furry we feel towards addiction. Sometimes at the person themselves, many times at addiction period. But as we struggle with these feelings of madness we are still on the ride. We feel every rise, drop and loop of the roller coaster we are still on. That is not the period of addiction her post made me think of (and to be honest that would take up enough room for a completely separate blog). But this helps to prove my point. Forgiveness is when these feelings stop. It is when you are no longer affected by the actions of those who hurt you (past, presence or future). It is when you let go. It is when you set yourself free. Do not mistake this for not caring. There is a big difference between not caring and no longer feeling resentful.
Definition number two, canceling a debt. I think many times when people hurt us so badly we feel like they have to do something to make up for it. That they somehow owe us and if they do enough acts of good it will somehow start canceling out all the bad they caused in the past. But this is not true and that is not what forgiveness is. When you forgive someone you wipe the slate clean. That is part of what sets you free. You're no longer waiting for the sorry you never get. You're no longer waiting for them to change.You're no longer waiting for them to "make things right." When you forgive someone you are letting go of all the hurt they have caused. And in case you need to hear it, yes you can forgive someone without them asking or even knowing that it was done. Many times we think of forgiveness as doing the debtor a favor when actually the most affected person is yourself.
Our pastor told us a few things to make forgiveness seem achievable by telling us what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is letting go. Forgiving someone does mean no longer holding grudges. And forgiveness is canceling all debt you have held toward that person. Forgiveness is not denial of what others have done. Forgiving someone does not mean they have the right to walk all over you and it does not mean you have to let them. Lastly, and the one that I personally liked the best, forgiveness is not restoration of trust. Just because you forgive somebody does not mean they automatically have all trust restored. Unconditional love and forgiveness does not have to be accompanied by unconditional trust. Not to say that it can't be eventually rebuilt.
This is long, so if you have made this far I have to say thank you. Addiction is something that pulls on my heart and I felt it was worth while to get this out into writing. Many people don't realize that it is not only the addict that has to rise above addiction. And many people that have tried don't know how rising above a loved one's addiction is done. I have to say I didn't really know what to expect myself as I sat down to write. But I think as I bring this to a close I have realized the answer to this question is forgiveness. The reason we get off that roller coaster as addict supporters isn't because we aren't there for them anymore, it's because we realize we can still be there for them without going through the loops. Our emotional stability doesn't depend on their drugs, or relapses or even them being clean. It depends on us, it depends on you. And just as an addict has to take responsibility for their choices, so do we. And for me, well I choose to forgive.
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