I don't blog too often, but every once in awhile something weighs on my heart that I have a hard time expressing any other way than through writing. Addiction has been something in my life my for a very long time. But I think as I grow older, I learn and experience new aspects about it.
I have written a blog about addiction before, but these last six months I think I've experienced a new side. One that hasn't been easy. The last blog I wrote, years ago, talked about rising above the addiction of a someone you love. So, I find it a little ironic that I still struggle with it. I guess that's why addiction is so tricky. I'm not sure anyone ever really "figures" it out. It's more complicated than that.
The last blog I wrote I felt like I had answers. This time around, I feel like I have no answers at all. I think I would be a much better writer if I could put even an ounce of the emotions someone who cares about an addict feels, but I think truthfully it's something inexplainable unless you've felt it.
What I've struggled with most lately is moving on. Not that I haven't taken steps toward it, but that it feels like it's leaving the other person behind. How are you supposed to live every day like your world is okay, when you know that theirs isn't? Does it make you a bad person? Even though there's nothing you can do? Even if you've tried it all? I haven't fully figured that out yet.
I guess at this point I'm not sure where to go. Maybe as I write I'll figure it out. Things I do know is that I am a patient person, to a fault at times. Isn't it odd that's people's greatest strengths are also their greatest weaknesses? Maybe that's the irony of life. I also know that I have no control over some else's actions, despite any effort I've put in. The shitty part is accepting that.
Life throws you curve balls all the time. Sometimes you dodge them, sometimes you don't. This one has me so hung up. For a little back ground, I grew up with a drug addicted sister. Pretty much all my life. I went through the lying, cheating, stealing - my goodness you name it. Somehow, years later, despite the knowledge I should have had about it...I found myself in love with an alcoholic. It's started off okay, it honestly started off great. That's the thing about addicts - they aren't bad people. In fact, a think a lot of times they have some of the greatest hearts out there. That's what makes it so freaking hard. That's why you hang on, that's why you continually believe in them.
My boyfriend and I broke up around six months ago. At the time it wasn't even necessarily because I wanted to, it was because I had to. The choices made put us in the situation and I didn't want to continually be second place to alcohol. Since we've broken up, his drinking got worse. Decisions being made were not smart. But somehow, I still felt a pang of guilt. Like there was more I could do.
I think that's where the struggle with moving on comes into play. It's such a weird thing to watch my life progress while his seems to be in pause. And even though I know logically there's nothing I can do, I still feel bad. I still feel guilty. I still feel responsible to do more. And the thing that breaks my heart the most is that I know I can't. I stand back and watch him hurting and I know there is absolutely nothing in the world I can do to stop it.
So again, we come back to moving on. I hate having to let someone go that I know is hurting. I hate moving on with my life like everything is okay. I hate having the feeling every day that they need me. It's enough to break a person. So how do we do it? I guess I'm still figuring that part out. But you know what, I also think that's okay. I said early that sometimes peoples greatest strengths are also their biggest weakness. Maybe it's okay that I have a kind heart. Maybe it's okay that I love hard. Maybe it's okay to wish the best for someone.
But at the end of the day I still have choose what is best for me. I still have to be strong. I still have to remind myself that I already tried it all. I still have to know it's not my fault his life isn't progressing while I try to move forward. And I absolutely have to realize that moving on IS OKAY!!!! I'm not leaving someone. I'm not giving up on someone. I'm not being a bad person. And I am most definitely not prohibiting their recovery.
I'm not sure this blog will find many people. But maybe someday, somewhere, someone else will read this and realize it's okay to move on. It's okay to be you. It's okay to progress. You are not leaving someone behind. Maybe someday this blog will find someone and give them hope. Or at least comfort knowing they are not alone. There is something powerful in finding an ally. So for anyone else out there struggling to leave, struggling to find peace, struggling to move on - maybe the reason I started writing this was to tell you and to tell me, that it's okay.
Monday, November 5, 2018
Saturday, April 7, 2018
I Belong To Me
I'm usually not this open, especially on social media. For an example, I was talking to a co-worker just last week and she still didn't know I was divorced. I'm not big on showcasing my life and I don't view that as a bad thing. However, as I was going through my Facebook memories this morning I saw a song I had posted six years ago today. It's called "I Belong To Me" by Jessica Simpson. Something about that post stirred something in me that I knew I could only express through writing.
This world has thrown me through a whirlwind of hurt in the short time I've been on it that I would never wish upon anyone. A blog on that would take way too long to write, so I'll stay focused with the task on hand. As a result of my past, I tend to be guarded. I don't love often, but when I do - I love hard. If you have found your way close to my heart there is very little I wouldn't do for you. As I try to make sense of what I went through, I think that is part of the reason why I lost myself. I was unfortunately in a situation where my loyalty was taken advantage of by selfishness in an attempt to make me into a person I was not.
This song today hit me for a few different reasons, but one of the main ones was that I posted it before I had even met my ex-husband. This is what I said "funny how when you're in 'love' you can morph into this unrecognizable person (as shown in the video). But honestly if you ever have to start giving up who you are in the first place, it was never right to begin with." I lost who I was through my marriage. How did I let that happen if I had all that knowledge? Shouldn't I have recognized the signs?
I used to think the video to this song was weird. Now I can appreciate its beauty. I got to the point where I couldn't even recognize the person I looked at in the mirror. The happy, optimistic, fun, easy going Kristi was gone and replaced with someone who was filled with fear and never felt good enough. I think the series of scenes where she is in front of the mirror is so powerful. It reminds me of my post that sparked this blog to begin with- "funny how when you're in 'love' you can morph into this unrecognizable person." I think she displays this well. She portrays it in her video as a physical change, but all I can think when I watch it is how closely that represents how I felt on the inside. And then the end, the last few seconds of the video....when she rinses all the baggage off and comes up a new person. She maybe still didn't recognize herself, but at least she was ready to create herself.
That is where I am at today and man does it feel good. I found myself in the middle of this song for so long. I used to play it in my car on repeat. At that point in time I never imagined I'd be at the end. Where I was rinsed of the emotional baggage and abuse and not only free but ready to be me. To face myself in the mirror and get to create a person that I love. It's been a journey to get there and not all the time easy. There has been many tears shed and grieving I have gone through. But I remember the day that it flipped in my brain. In my past there have been a few times I had felt lost, not sure who I was or where to go. I always viewed that as a bad thing. Like it was my fault and I should just have all the answers. Or at least be able to know who I was. That seems like a simple question, right?! This time around it was different. Being lost didn't make me feel bad, it made me feel free. Through all the hurt I had gone through and was rising above I was gifted with a chance to start over...and the bigger piece, I was strong enough to take it. It was scary to "start over." Divorced at 27 wasn't the narrative I thought my life would have. But I realized that wasn't my story and that wasn't what had to define me. I get to choose and create and be what defines me. And after nearly five years of emotional abuse and being made to feel small and inadequate on a daily basis I can finally say - I am loving who I am creating myself to be. I recognize and like the person I see in the mirror each day - which brings tears to my eyes just to type it.
I've changed a lot over the last year and half, but in ways I am still the same. I still have walls up that I am working on letting down. I still don't let people in or love often, but when I do I still love hard. Through the process of creating myself I have also found that I have surrounded myself with people who do not take advantage of that. Rather than seeing my open heart as a chance to morph me into something I am not, they take it as an opportunity to lift me up. When I look around at the people close to me I am blown away by the caliber of my amazing support system. I am not sure how I got so lucky, but I truly feel loved - just for being Kristi. I am supported, encouraged and empowered on a daily basis, which is something I will never take for granted. As I bring this to a close I want to say thank you for all those people who have stood by my side through this crazy transition. As my life was uprooted and I was figuring out how to navigate through it. For giving me the courage to not only believe in myself but to truly embrace and love the person I have become.
I think the greatest realization and truest understanding I am coming into is that....I belong to me.
This world has thrown me through a whirlwind of hurt in the short time I've been on it that I would never wish upon anyone. A blog on that would take way too long to write, so I'll stay focused with the task on hand. As a result of my past, I tend to be guarded. I don't love often, but when I do - I love hard. If you have found your way close to my heart there is very little I wouldn't do for you. As I try to make sense of what I went through, I think that is part of the reason why I lost myself. I was unfortunately in a situation where my loyalty was taken advantage of by selfishness in an attempt to make me into a person I was not.
This song today hit me for a few different reasons, but one of the main ones was that I posted it before I had even met my ex-husband. This is what I said "funny how when you're in 'love' you can morph into this unrecognizable person (as shown in the video). But honestly if you ever have to start giving up who you are in the first place, it was never right to begin with." I lost who I was through my marriage. How did I let that happen if I had all that knowledge? Shouldn't I have recognized the signs?
I used to think the video to this song was weird. Now I can appreciate its beauty. I got to the point where I couldn't even recognize the person I looked at in the mirror. The happy, optimistic, fun, easy going Kristi was gone and replaced with someone who was filled with fear and never felt good enough. I think the series of scenes where she is in front of the mirror is so powerful. It reminds me of my post that sparked this blog to begin with- "funny how when you're in 'love' you can morph into this unrecognizable person." I think she displays this well. She portrays it in her video as a physical change, but all I can think when I watch it is how closely that represents how I felt on the inside. And then the end, the last few seconds of the video....when she rinses all the baggage off and comes up a new person. She maybe still didn't recognize herself, but at least she was ready to create herself.
That is where I am at today and man does it feel good. I found myself in the middle of this song for so long. I used to play it in my car on repeat. At that point in time I never imagined I'd be at the end. Where I was rinsed of the emotional baggage and abuse and not only free but ready to be me. To face myself in the mirror and get to create a person that I love. It's been a journey to get there and not all the time easy. There has been many tears shed and grieving I have gone through. But I remember the day that it flipped in my brain. In my past there have been a few times I had felt lost, not sure who I was or where to go. I always viewed that as a bad thing. Like it was my fault and I should just have all the answers. Or at least be able to know who I was. That seems like a simple question, right?! This time around it was different. Being lost didn't make me feel bad, it made me feel free. Through all the hurt I had gone through and was rising above I was gifted with a chance to start over...and the bigger piece, I was strong enough to take it. It was scary to "start over." Divorced at 27 wasn't the narrative I thought my life would have. But I realized that wasn't my story and that wasn't what had to define me. I get to choose and create and be what defines me. And after nearly five years of emotional abuse and being made to feel small and inadequate on a daily basis I can finally say - I am loving who I am creating myself to be. I recognize and like the person I see in the mirror each day - which brings tears to my eyes just to type it.
I've changed a lot over the last year and half, but in ways I am still the same. I still have walls up that I am working on letting down. I still don't let people in or love often, but when I do I still love hard. Through the process of creating myself I have also found that I have surrounded myself with people who do not take advantage of that. Rather than seeing my open heart as a chance to morph me into something I am not, they take it as an opportunity to lift me up. When I look around at the people close to me I am blown away by the caliber of my amazing support system. I am not sure how I got so lucky, but I truly feel loved - just for being Kristi. I am supported, encouraged and empowered on a daily basis, which is something I will never take for granted. As I bring this to a close I want to say thank you for all those people who have stood by my side through this crazy transition. As my life was uprooted and I was figuring out how to navigate through it. For giving me the courage to not only believe in myself but to truly embrace and love the person I have become.
I think the greatest realization and truest understanding I am coming into is that....I belong to me.
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