This world has thrown me through a whirlwind of hurt in the short time I've been on it that I would never wish upon anyone. A blog on that would take way too long to write, so I'll stay focused with the task on hand. As a result of my past, I tend to be guarded. I don't love often, but when I do - I love hard. If you have found your way close to my heart there is very little I wouldn't do for you. As I try to make sense of what I went through, I think that is part of the reason why I lost myself. I was unfortunately in a situation where my loyalty was taken advantage of by selfishness in an attempt to make me into a person I was not.
This song today hit me for a few different reasons, but one of the main ones was that I posted it before I had even met my ex-husband. This is what I said "funny how when you're in 'love' you can morph into this unrecognizable person (as shown in the video). But honestly if you ever have to start giving up who you are in the first place, it was never right to begin with." I lost who I was through my marriage. How did I let that happen if I had all that knowledge? Shouldn't I have recognized the signs?
I used to think the video to this song was weird. Now I can appreciate its beauty. I got to the point where I couldn't even recognize the person I looked at in the mirror. The happy, optimistic, fun, easy going Kristi was gone and replaced with someone who was filled with fear and never felt good enough. I think the series of scenes where she is in front of the mirror is so powerful. It reminds me of my post that sparked this blog to begin with- "funny how when you're in 'love' you can morph into this unrecognizable person." I think she displays this well. She portrays it in her video as a physical change, but all I can think when I watch it is how closely that represents how I felt on the inside. And then the end, the last few seconds of the video....when she rinses all the baggage off and comes up a new person. She maybe still didn't recognize herself, but at least she was ready to create herself.
That is where I am at today and man does it feel good. I found myself in the middle of this song for so long. I used to play it in my car on repeat. At that point in time I never imagined I'd be at the end. Where I was rinsed of the emotional baggage and abuse and not only free but ready to be me. To face myself in the mirror and get to create a person that I love. It's been a journey to get there and not all the time easy. There has been many tears shed and grieving I have gone through. But I remember the day that it flipped in my brain. In my past there have been a few times I had felt lost, not sure who I was or where to go. I always viewed that as a bad thing. Like it was my fault and I should just have all the answers. Or at least be able to know who I was. That seems like a simple question, right?! This time around it was different. Being lost didn't make me feel bad, it made me feel free. Through all the hurt I had gone through and was rising above I was gifted with a chance to start over...and the bigger piece, I was strong enough to take it. It was scary to "start over." Divorced at 27 wasn't the narrative I thought my life would have. But I realized that wasn't my story and that wasn't what had to define me. I get to choose and create and be what defines me. And after nearly five years of emotional abuse and being made to feel small and inadequate on a daily basis I can finally say - I am loving who I am creating myself to be. I recognize and like the person I see in the mirror each day - which brings tears to my eyes just to type it.
I've changed a lot over the last year and half, but in ways I am still the same. I still have walls up that I am working on letting down. I still don't let people in or love often, but when I do I still love hard. Through the process of creating myself I have also found that I have surrounded myself with people who do not take advantage of that. Rather than seeing my open heart as a chance to morph me into something I am not, they take it as an opportunity to lift me up. When I look around at the people close to me I am blown away by the caliber of my amazing support system. I am not sure how I got so lucky, but I truly feel loved - just for being Kristi. I am supported, encouraged and empowered on a daily basis, which is something I will never take for granted. As I bring this to a close I want to say thank you for all those people who have stood by my side through this crazy transition. As my life was uprooted and I was figuring out how to navigate through it. For giving me the courage to not only believe in myself but to truly embrace and love the person I have become.
I think the greatest realization and truest understanding I am coming into is that....I belong to me.
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