No one really knows what the fuck they are doing anyway

     I have spent so many year of my life, so many moments and thoughts and valuable time - which you can't get back by the way - trying to figure out how to figure out this ever intriguing thing called life. And after almost 32 years on this earth, searching and fighting like hell to figure all this out, do you want to know what conclusion I've come to? The "secret to life" as some would say. My professional opinion is that none of us actually know what the fuck we are doing. 

    If you know me or if you talk to me for more than a few minutes, I am sure Glennon Doyle's name will come up along with her book Untamed. And I am sure you will hear me say it changed my life - because well, it did. I learned and continue to learn many many things from this wise woman who is bold enough to share her truth and be vulnerable to the world. Listen people, I barely know how to be vulnerable with myself, better yet the world. Her strength and bravery are truly inspiring. But I think one of the biggest things I have learned this year, greatly inspired by Glennon, is to stop freaking living for other people. 

    Here's her wild concept, that I am borrowing and sharing now. Take everything you know, everything you THINK that you know. Take it all. Family. Religion. Morals. Gender roles. YOUR roles. World concepts. Indoctrination. What you were taught. What you were told to believe. And throw it all out. ALL OF IT. Every way people have told you how to live, how to act, how to look. The idea of good or bad. Right or wrong. There are so many things in life we are taught to perceive as good or as bad - but who fucking says so? Who defined what is right or wrong for ME? Who else should truly even have the right to? Take every single one of these thoughts and literally throw it the fuck out. Now, imagine this - standing, alone. Somewhere open, the wind blowing. Not too much, just enough to hold these things up as an offering and let the wind carry it far far away from you. You are left standing, for the first time in your life, complete alone. Not in the derogatory connotation that the world has attached to this word, but in the incredibly empowering sense of truly getting to see yourself for the first time. 

    Okay, are you there? Alone with yourself. Now...start asking questions, hard questions. How many of the the beliefs you have, are really yours? How many things that you so whole heartedly believe, might not actually sit well with your gut? If there is no right or wrong, and you get to make the rules - what are they? Do you even know? I can tell you I sure didn't. I have been through a wild ride of recreation this year and when I started this journey I realized I knew NOTHING. Like literally wasn't even sure what being Kristi meant. Mostly because I had never really asked myself. I took what the world viewed "right" and just accepted it. If that's what people say, if thats what your parents say, if thats what the church says - it has to be right, right? 

    Well remember what I said - no one really knows what the fuck they are doing anyway, so why the hell am I listening to them? AND WHO THE HELL IS THEM!!!! So, instead of continuing to look outward for how I should live my life, I shifted. I started asking myself more questions about who I really was. What I really believed. But the most important part is that for the first time in my life, I actually started letting MYSELF answer them. Slowly, question after question, discovery after discovery, truth after truth - I started to get to know me. And you know what? I think I am pretty fucking cool. And it turns out, I have a lot of thoughts. A lot of my own thoughts. A year ago, I would have never been able to say that. I would have talked myself down, beaten myself up. I would have gone over every reason why I wasn't good enough, why I never would be. But for what? Who was I answering to? Who was I trying so desperately hard to live up to? The crazy thing is, I'm not even sure. 

    Glennon's idea of living a life untamed isn't being wild and crazy and breaking rules just to break them. The heart of the concept is to find you. It's returning to and/or continuing to discover your truest and most authentic self. The world is always going to have an idea of who you should be. My challenge to you is to tell the world to fuck off. Sit with yourself, ask the hard questions and listen - I promise you there is a voice in there. Glennon calls it your inner Knowing. I call it my gut. You may call it something different. Hell, you may even want to name it. But please, take the time to sit, center your inner being - and let her talk. I learned that mine is pretty darn intuitive, smart and right for ME pretty much every freakin time. It's funny how much you know about you, when you simply start letting YOU speak! 

    This year has been incredible. I have challenged more thoughts and concepts and ideas than I ever thought possible. I have pressed boundaries and asked questions and discovered so much. And now, after almost 32 years on this earth - I am finally starting to live.