Eyes Closed

I have always found beauty in music. Lyrics obviously are important, and I find so much depth behind writing. But the vibration of sound, that is what speaks to the soul. There are not many songs I hear for the first time and connect to, but when I do - it is magic. Ed Sheeran released a song today called "Eyes Closed" and it may be one of the most tragically heartbreaking beautiful songs I have ever heard. When I listened to it this morning, I was moved to tears. And when that happens with music, poems, expression of words - I like to dive in. If you have not listend to the song, I urge you to. But I would also suggest listening to it with the music video, which I will include at the end of this blog. It is gut wrenching, it is powerful, it is beautiful, it is authentically human. The way he is able to convey so many feelings in just over three minutes is beyond me. It's a talent I wish I possesed. But I tend to be a bit more long winded ;) The origin of the song was meant to be about a break up. However, in the midst of writing it, his frined passed away from drug and alcohol abuse. This changed the meanging for Ed, and he decided to dedicate this song to his friend. What I find the most powerful in his writing is that it captures the esseance of grief. Of all kinds. It conveys the depth of mourning, heartbreak and utter sadness. It puts into words what so many find hard to describe. When you feel paralized by tradgedy, lost and alone...but the world keeps moving on all the same. The vidoe starts with him in a car, crashing and submerging into water. And I don't want to miscontrue Ed's artistic expression....but the beginning of that video feels very powerful to me. It sets the tone of the song and the emotion. To me it conveys times in people's lives, that they feel so overwhelmed by grief that they are literally drowning in it. They can't catch their breath, or get their head above water. The hurt is too consuming. And then he goes into a bar alone. Symbolizing the isaolation we feel when we are grieving. How diabilitating and distraught that feeling can be. How alone and overwhelming our thoughts can be. We convince ourselves that no one is there. No one but the monster of depression. We can't even open our eyes to the world we are presented with, and so...we dance with our closed. We move through life half alive. We go into survival mode. The gravity of grief can be too much to open your eyes to. I honestly really enjoyed the Blue Monster in this video. It gave physical appearance to what sadness feels like. Its big, its engulfing, it fills the room - yet many times it's the elephant in the room. It's there, but no one wants to talk about, to look at it, to adress it. Which is why we end up feeling so alone to begin with. It follows you. It's always there. Taking up space. In your body, in your mind. It hovers and makes you feel cold. I hovers and makes you feel alone. It hovers and reminds you how much this world just really fucking sucks. It sits with you, it follows you, it sleeps with you, it wakes up with you. It's always there. Hovering. Remidning. Haunting. This song and music video touched me. I think Ed did an incredibly amazing job at portraying grief. Portaying mourning. Portraying sadness. Portaying depression. Portraying overwhelmness. Portraying life and hurt and trying to just survive. I also found artistry in the beat of the song. It starts slower, but the beat picks up. If the words weren't so incredibly gut wrenching, the music could be happy. And I think this was on purpose. I think it goes to show that - even when your world completely stops, when it falls apart and you can barely breathe, when you are drowning and feeling alone and just trying to get your head above water - life goes on. The world still spins. Others do not slow down. I think this is another reason grief feels so lonely. It's mind blowing when your personal world is completely shattered - yet no one seems to notice? How does the entire world not stop when yours does? It's complex and frustratinga and even beautiful in a way. Because no matter how maddening it is, part of life is that it does go on. But in that, there is hope to heal. I think my very favorite part of this video is the ending. The big blue monster, that I view as grief/depression/anxiety/all of the above, continues to follow him. Through the whole video, he tries to avoid it. He drinks. He literally closes his eyes because the world as it is isn't bareable to see. But at the end, he looks his monster in the eyes. He faces his fear, his depression, his sadness. And as soon as he's ready to look at the truth, at the reality and gravity of his greif, the monster disappears. Phew....this vidoe and song might be one of the only ones that have made me feel like tragedy, sadness, depression and mourning can be portrayed in such a beautiful way. It touched my soul, truly. It captured emotions I have felt in so many different situations. Death, loss of people who are still living, trauma, depression - but ultimately, healing. Toward the end of the video we also see other "monsters" that Ed doesn't seem to give any sort of attention to. I think this is symbolic of the fact that we all have our own demons, our own monsters - and just because you can't look at someone and see the demons they possess or are living with, that doesn't make them any less real. I am a bit of a slow processor, so I'd imagine if this song already stirred up enough emotion to write about it - the gravity of it will continue to sink in. But I hope in sharing my thoughts that others are able to find healing and hope beyond their hurt. The blue monster is a bitch. Its consuming, overwhelming, and encompassing. It's heavy. It can make you isolate yourelf or make you feel alone (even when that is not true) - but don't let it win. Look your big blue monster straight in the face and tell it to fuck off. I hope you find the strength to open your eyes - there is beauty beyond the pain.