I laid there, awake, yet playing dead. Petrified is as close to a word I can think of to express how I was feeling. I didn't dare move a single fucking flinch. I felt her body relax against mine - was she seriously snuggling me right now?? But in that same unbelievable thought, my whole inner being filled with disgust, came a sense of hope. WAS SHE REALLY FUCKING SNUGGLING ME RIGHT NOW?? Was the beating really over? Was she actually falling asleep?? I laid there, awake, yet playing dead - praying and pleading to a god I hadn't talked to in so long, please let that be the case. Please don't let her hit me again.
Eventually, in what felt like a lifetime, but was probably closer to 15 minutes - I felt her breathing start to slow. She was actually relaxing on top of my lifeless body. What a weird fucking prayer to be answered. Within a few more minutes, I could tell she had fallen asleep. I didn't dare move yet, I had to make sure it was real. If I was pretending to be knocked out, could she be pretending as well? Baiting me to move, just so she could start all over again. I stayed still. After a bit longer, I trusted she was asleep. I was willing it into reality, as I knew I couldn't lay there forever. I moved the tiniest bit I could - testing the authenticity of her state - she stayed still. That made me feel braver, I had to get out of this fucking hotel room.
What Danielle didn't realize as she threw me onto the bed, was that she had dropped my phone on to it also. As I strategically angled myself away from the shards of glass, it was simultaneously a calculated twist. When my back hit the bed, my phone was hidden under me. I don't give myself credit for this. There were two miracles that happened that night - her not realizing where my phone was in those moments is absolutely one of them. She had quite literally pushed me onto and held me down on top of the single thing in that room that could save my life.
The seconds felt like hours, as my wife stayed asleep over me. Slowly I moved my arm, just enough to reach my phone that was tucked behind the small of my back. Please don't let her wake up, please don't let her wake up, GOD PLEASE DON'T LET HER WAKE UP. The instant I felt my hand touch the edge of my phone, I let out a breath I didn't even realize I had been holding. I ever so slowly, so carefully and so terrifyingly edged it out from under me. She moved. I froze. I fucked it up. This is it, I thought - get ready for another round. But no, she remained asleep - she pulled me in closer even, holding me tighter. I had one arm able to move - the rest of me pinned down by my abuser. I managed to pull up my text messages - I sent my location to my sister, I said "help, D hit me."
A slight, yet relevant side story here - I am far from the first person Danielle has abused. I knew the girlfriend she had before she dated me had filed a PFA against her. My sister knew this a well. Yet Danielle's artful manipulation had convinced us both that it wasn't her fault. Through her deployment, as the emotional and mental abuse got worse - my sister and I both began to question Danielle's "truth." There must be more to the story she had shared. The fractions of truth she is able to take and spin into her own narrative, anyone would have believed she was the victim of that story. It turns out, that could not have been farther from the truth....Victoria - I am so so sorry. I believe you now.
I hit send on my phone, going still again as instantly as I could - just in case she felt me move. The seconds feeling like years as I waited for a response. How long did I lay there? I still am not sure. I moved as lifelessly as I could once more and I text my nephew. Almost instantly my phone vibrated. The relief and pure terror that ensued in that moment was unexplainable. SOMEONE IS TEXTING ME BACK, but fuck please don't let this wake up my wife. My sweet sweet nephew had responded. He was on his way to wake up his mom. A few moments later, she text me too. I gave her the room number we were in. She told me not to move, she was on her way - my sister was on her way, I was going to be okay. I told her there was no way I was moving, I was still pinned down - only one arm free frantically typing with a single finger - the phone laying on the bed, not even in my hand. She told me to hide it away, stay where I was - stay alive. And so I did. I put the phone back under the small of my back, my body once again returning to a lifeless state.
The contradictory feelings sliced me in two, deep emotion pulling me in opposite directions. My sister was on her way, I was going to be okay. Yet how many minutes would it be until she got there? How many lifetimes would I experience in my mind before I heard her at the door? Infinite scenarios running through my head with each passing second. The next one more real than the last. All of them centered around the terrifying reality; Danielle could wake up at any second. I laid there, as paralyzed as humanly possibly. Despite my efforts of restraint, tears spilled out and fell down the sides of my face. Hang on just a little bit longer, I told myself.
The breath of relief that washed over me when I heard the door open, the sound of my sister's voice sending instant peace to my very core - defies explanation. Words fall short, inadequate to capture the flood of emotion - my sister was here, she was going to save my life.
End of Part 3.
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