Guardian Angel

 I just got done watching a show on Apple TV called "The Crowded Room" and WOW, it left me speechless. Speechless in a way that I knew only writing could capture. The show itself is devastating, heart wrenching and an absolutely beautiful portrayal of struggle, survival and self growth. They take you on a journey with a boy named Danny. A boy who had known unimaginable hurt throughout his younger years. A person, that in an effort to survive, created coping mechanisms in the form of altered selves. By DSM definition, it would now be defined as multiple personality disorder. His brain created safety, because his life offered none. 

 Here is where I get brave. When I was a young girl, a very young and innocent child, I was sexually abused. My brain too, created coping mechanisms. I didn't create alter selves, as Danny did, but my mind shut down to protect itself. I was not aware of these memories until the last few years. My brain truly kept these experiences in the dark. Growth, it is a funny thing. It's the hardest, and yes…sometimes the darkest, scariest thing a person can face. But, it is also the most rewarding. When I started my journey to finding me, I had no idea what that meant or what it entailed. I certainly was not expecting to have repressed memories of sexual abuse be a part of it. But, here we are. And it has been a JOURNEY! I've grieved, I've been angry, I've mourned. I've wished I never embarked on this journey to begin with, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have known this hurt. My brain could have kept these memories blocked out forever, and I would have been just fine. But here is the thing, no I wouldn't have been. My brain shut down to protect me. But just because the memories weren't present, didn't mean the trauma wasn't still being held inside my body. Still alive, in a way. Still fighting, furiously, for our safety. 

I have carried this pain with me since I was four years old. Our brains, as smart as they are, can't cancel out cellular memory. Everything we go through, good or bad, has to process itself through our body. There is a saying that emotion is energy in motion. When things happen, if you do not allow your body the space to process the energy, it can stick. And the longer is stays, the heavier it can get. So, although this path has been excruciating at times, my current conclusion is this... I would pick the road I am on today a thousand times over, without question or hesitation. Do I wish my story didn't include this hurt and sexual trauma? Absolutely, because no one and no child deserves to go through any type of abuse. However, there isn't a way to put something down that you aren't even aware you are carrying. The realization and memories that have presented themselves, as hard as it is to face, have been the pivot point to accepting and loving every single piece of who I am. 

 Now, back to the show. If you haven't watched it, I will absolutely recommend it, with a warning. It is deep, it is heavy, but fuck - is it beautifully powerful. Amanda Seyfried and Tom Holland do an absolutely incredible job! I liked both of them before this show, but now they each hold a closer place in my heart. I won't give everything away, but there will be spoilers because the ending is what touched me the most. So please, feel free to pause this blog until you've finished the show.

 Danny was sexually abused through all of his childhood. Brutally, terribly, horrifically - by people he should have been able to trust. Thus, he created his alters. One of these alters name's was Adam. He created a twin brother, that to his belief was the one who was sexually abused by their father and stepfather. Danny believed that he himself, was never touched. At the end, he comes to understand, that they are one. 

In the ending scene, after a long trial and overwhelming proof that multiple personality disorder does exist, Danny says to Amanda Seyfried's character "I have an unpaid debt I still owe, it's my time to be the guardian angel." Then as her character walks off, she turns around and looks up at the building she just left. At the window of the room she was just in. She not only sees Danny, but she sees another person right beside him. It is a younger Danny, it is Adam, it is his inner child. She sees the Danny (Adam) that took the pain and protected them so that he could survive the reality of existing. I saw this scene and burst into ugly sobs. I allowed myself to cry and feel and grieve. This scene beautifully depicts the inner child in us all. The one that dealt with things no one deserves. The one, that from such a young age, did what they had to do to survive. The one that protected us. 

 When I found my inner child, I had feelings very similar to Danny. I was fiercely protective. I was also heart brokenly sad for this little girl that fought so hard to keep me safe. It was as if I knew I was her, and she was me - yet it felt like we were separate beings. As if she was the one that protected me and got me here, but now I was the one telling her it was going to be okay. She no longer had to fight to protect us. I was releasing her to be free. To be the child she always deserved to be….except this time, we truly knew she could believe it, because I was now able and ready to face what she had been carrying for us this whole time.  

 So, to my younger self, to the innocent sweet Kristi that did what she had to keep me safe when I was young - run wild and be free. It is MY turn to keep YOU safe. You are the one that is brave. In your strength, I find my own.

 It’s my time to be the guardian angel.

My Victim’s Impact Statement

One of my favorite quotes is “there will be a time when we must choose between what is easy and what is right.” Standing up here today is not easy. Every step of this process has been heartbreaking and excruciating. I have been mind-blown, and not in a good way, how I have been treated by the system. I am not speaking today because it is easy. I am not standing here today as an opportunity to speak badly of my abuser. I am standing here today because it is what is right.

Danielle, you have taken every opportunity to slander my name to anyone that would read or listen. My response to that is I am so sorry. I am sorry life has mistreated you so severely that you project blame onto the people that you hurt because you are not healed enough to take self-accountability for your actions. It makes me truly sad for you that you can twist a narrative so grotesquely that you actually blame me for the charges the City has pressed against you. 

With that said, I do not claim innocence in our story. Even within the depths of your abuse and manipulation, I still made choices. But here is the thing, you had a choice too. You had a choice to stay and try to work on things or to leave. You had a choice to respect my wishes when I begged you to let me go. What you did not have a right to do, what absolutely no one has the right to do, is put their hands on another human being with pure intent to inflict harm. 

You may not be aware, but it took me months to stay in my house alone without fearing I’d be killed sometime throughout the night, by you. You may not be aware that I had nights where that almost felt easier. You probably don’t know that I was afraid of going anywhere on the small chance our paths were to cross. That every room I walked into I scanned frantically, terrified that I might see you there. Just the thought of it sent chills down my spine. That even when I did not find you, my body still could not relax as you had taken from me all sense of safety. You probably don’t understand that my greatest wish would be to not have to stand here today. That when I got the text message you sent that you were going to kill yourself, my heart genuinely hurt for you. You may not realize that the dozens of times you slammed my head into the floor and then repeatedly punched me in the back of the head, that it damaged my brain so severely it is still not fully healed from the concussion you inflicted. You do not know the feeling of hopelessness I felt in my entire body as I watched your eyes grow cold that night and turn solid black.  

I have had flashbacks and nightmares and cried more tears than I can count. The words you said to me as you cowered over my defenseless body, pinning me to the floor, they were “you will have to kill me if you ever want me to stop.” Those words still haunt me on a daily basis. So, I do not stand here because it is easy. I stand here because it is right. I stand here not only for myself, but for Victoria. I stand here for every woman that has been abused before me and every woman that will sadly be abused after me. I stand here for you Danielle, as I know that you have also been abused – and for that I am sorry too. But someone has to stand and say this isn’t right. Someone has to make it stop. Someone has to be the voice. And in the moments I want to give up, because every step of this process has been un-bearingly painful, I remind myself that someone has to care enough about you, Danielle, to end the cycle of destruction you were on. I am not the first person you have abused, but what I do hope is that I am the last. 

Sometimes I think about what you would have done had you woken up in that hotel room to find yourself lying over your dead wife. I still get paralyzed by fear when I think of what would have happened had my sister not been there when you broke into my home and lunged, armsextended, straight for my throat. My dreams turn into nightmares as you find your way into them, wrapping your hands around my neck. Did you drive to my house to finish off the job? Did you want me dead? It’s hard to imagine any other intent.  

But still, I do not wish anything ill toward you. It would be very easy to hate you, but I do not. My wish for you is that you take this as an opportunity to heal. That you can take accountability and admit what you did. I hope you grow enough to understand that the consequences of your actions are no one’s fault but your own. I hope that you feel shame and regret for beating your wife, so that you follow those feelings to the root cause and never inflict on anyone else the insurmountable pain you have caused Victoria and me. I hope that one day you can be thankful that I chose to stand. That today changes the trajectory of your life and that you never experience waking up next to the lifeless-body of the person you claim to love because you chose violence once again.

I choose to stand. 

Even when it’s hard. 

Especially when it’s hard. 

I will always choose to stand.

YouTube Reading to  listen: 

https://youtu.be/Zy2nZw9nbOc?si=L94EIoFwlfWG6trx