Here is where I get brave. When I was a young girl, a very young and innocent child, I was sexually abused. My brain too, created coping mechanisms. I didn't create alter selves, as Danny did, but my mind shut down to protect itself. I was not aware of these memories until the last few years. My brain truly kept these experiences in the dark. Growth, it is a funny thing. It's the hardest, and yes…sometimes the darkest, scariest thing a person can face. But, it is also the most rewarding. When I started my journey to finding me, I had no idea what that meant or what it entailed. I certainly was not expecting to have repressed memories of sexual abuse be a part of it. But, here we are. And it has been a JOURNEY! I've grieved, I've been angry, I've mourned. I've wished I never embarked on this journey to begin with, because if I hadn't, I wouldn't have known this hurt. My brain could have kept these memories blocked out forever, and I would have been just fine.
But here is the thing, no I wouldn't have been. My brain shut down to protect me. But just because the memories weren't present, didn't mean the trauma wasn't still being held inside my body. Still alive, in a way. Still fighting, furiously, for our safety.
I have carried this pain with me since I was four years old. Our brains, as smart as they are, can't cancel out cellular memory. Everything we go through, good or bad, has to process itself through our body. There is a saying that emotion is energy in motion. When things happen, if you do not allow your body the space to process the energy, it can stick. And the longer is stays, the heavier it can get. So, although this path has been excruciating at times, my current conclusion is this... I would pick the road I am on today a thousand times over, without question or hesitation. Do I wish my story didn't include this hurt and sexual trauma? Absolutely, because no one and no child deserves to go through any type of abuse. However, there isn't a way to put something down that you aren't even aware you are carrying. The realization and memories that have presented themselves, as hard as it is to face, have been the pivot point to accepting and loving every single piece of who I am.
Now, back to the show. If you haven't watched it, I will absolutely recommend it, with a warning. It is deep, it is heavy, but fuck - is it beautifully powerful. Amanda Seyfried and Tom Holland do an absolutely incredible job! I liked both of them before this show, but now they each hold a closer place in my heart. I won't give everything away, but there will be spoilers because the ending is what touched me the most. So please, feel free to pause this blog until you've finished the show.
Danny was sexually abused through all of his childhood. Brutally, terribly, horrifically - by people he should have been able to trust. Thus, he created his alters. One of these alters name's was Adam. He created a twin brother, that to his belief was the one who was sexually abused by their father and stepfather. Danny believed that he himself, was never touched. At the end, he comes to understand, that they are one.
In the ending scene, after a long trial and overwhelming proof that multiple personality disorder does exist, Danny says to Amanda Seyfried's character "I have an unpaid debt I still owe, it's my time to be the guardian angel." Then as her character walks off, she turns around and looks up at the building she just left. At the window of the room she was just in. She not only sees Danny, but she sees another person right beside him. It is a younger Danny, it is Adam, it is his inner child. She sees the Danny (Adam) that took the pain and protected them so that he could survive the reality of existing. I saw this scene and burst into ugly sobs. I allowed myself to cry and feel and grieve. This scene beautifully depicts the inner child in us all. The one that dealt with things no one deserves. The one, that from such a young age, did what they had to do to survive. The one that protected us.
When I found my inner child, I had feelings very similar to Danny. I was fiercely protective. I was also heart brokenly sad for this little girl that fought so hard to keep me safe. It was as if I knew I was her, and she was me - yet it felt like we were separate beings. As if she was the one that protected me and got me here, but now I was the one telling her it was going to be okay. She no longer had to fight to protect us. I was releasing her to be free. To be the child she always deserved to be….except this time, we truly knew she could believe it, because I was now able and ready to face what she had been carrying for us this whole time.
So, to my younger self, to the innocent sweet Kristi that did what she had to keep me safe when I was young - run wild and be free. It is MY turn to keep YOU safe. You are the one that is brave. In your strength, I find my own.
It’s my time to be the guardian angel.
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