Happy?!

Everyone wants to be happy right? It's what we all strive for. So tell me, why do so many of us find ourselves stuck? Unhappy with our lives, unhappy with who we are?

I think the answer is more simple than many people think, but often times not one people want to hear.

In a world where things are constantly handed to us I think we forget that happiness is not one of them. Very few people randomly fall into a joyous, happy, stable life by chance. Happiness does not come without effort.

Happiness comes by series of conscious decisions and efforts to make your life into what you want it to be. Happiness comes by choosing to receive God's grace. Happiness comes one choice at a time. Happiness is sometimes a gradual change. And happiness is something you can always choose to have.

I strongly believe that the most powerful thing in your life is your mind. Your thoughts, what you believe, this guides your actions and your actions make you who you are. The mind though, is a funny thing because it's always changing. The good news about this is that you can always choose how you live and what you think. Decide who you want to be and take the appropriate steps to get there.

So the next time you catch yourself complaining about life and pondering how unhappy you are with where you're at....remember that you are the only person in your life that has the power to change it.

Supporting an Addict While Rising Above Addiction

   Someone I know posted some pictures on Facebook this morning (pasted below). Her husband, who has struggled with drugs, pushed her out of a car and ran over her foot. These are brutal, but what caught my attention most wasn't the pictures themselves as much the comment she made. As I read through what happened I came across a part where she said she was thankful this happened. That it was what she needed to realize that she couldn't save him. I think this is only a comment that someone who has been in her shoes, trying to save an addict they love, could really understand.

 


   This blog post may not relate to everybody, but I am hoping to relate to those people who like me,  have a family member or a close friend that is an addict. People who have been through the struggle and have felt that same painful/thankful wake up moment. The combination of the pictures and her statement really hit me deep for a couple different reasons.

   One, because of the pictures themselves. I thought to myself wow, what a great visual representation of what addiction does to those around you. My outsides might not have physically changed as I watched my sister struggle with addiction for so many years, but I can sure tell you my insides felt just like her foot for so very long, sometimes still. To watch someone you love be controlled by such an ugly substance is emotional torture. You want to save them so bad, to make them just stop.....and the realization that you can't, well that's one of the hardest parts.

   That brings me to the other thing her post had me pondering. You hear people say all the time that an addict has to hit rock bottom on their own to change their ways. Well, I think that same statement is true for an addict's family members and friends as well. Living with an addict or being part of an addict's life period is such a roller coaster that is truly almost impossible to not fall off of at some point. You give chance after chance after chance. You try to help and try to help and try help. And at some point this person you love so much has hurt you so badly that you realize you're almost as un-okay as they are. I think rock bottom for us is not just the understanding that we can't change the person, but the acceptance of it. This rock bottom can be considered somewhat of a blessing, but many times it takes an extreme event of hurt for this acceptance to sink in. Whether physical, mental, or emotional it is undoubtably painful. There is a line that is crossed and you realize that you are no longer looking at the person you once knew. This is followed by a period of sadness and grieving as we let go, join those who have already fallen off the ride and wait for the rest of those that haven't and are still holding on.

   What I think many people do not understand, particularly addicts themselves, is that this point of acceptance is not giving up on that person. It is simply realizing for yourself that they are not going to change, not matter what you do, until they decide for themselves they are ready. And until they are ready to be serious, we have no emotional energy to help without crumbling. It is not giving up on them at all, it is setting yourself free so that you can live without addiction. And I think it is at this rock bottom of realization that we are able to start rising above the addiction of our loved ones.

   These were the thoughts circling my head as I got ready this morning....and then my pastor preaches a sermon on forgiveness. Oh man, God sure does have good timing. This is what I learned:

   Setting yourself free does not mean you haven't forgiven someone....in fact it means that you have. Un-forgiveness can be as binding as addiction itself. So if you are struggling with this, I assure you holding onto a grudge is not the way to go. I took the liberty of looking up the definition of forgive and this is what I found.

               Forgive (verb): 1. to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw or mistake.

                              2. canceling a debt.

   Lets start with definition number one. I skipped earlier the feelings of anger, frustration and sometimes all out furry we feel towards addiction. Sometimes at the person themselves, many times at addiction period. But as we struggle with these feelings of madness we are still on the ride. We feel every rise, drop and loop of the roller coaster we are still on. That is not the period of addiction her post made me think of (and to be honest that would take up enough room for a completely separate blog). But this helps to prove my point. Forgiveness is when these feelings stop. It is when you are no longer affected by the actions of those who hurt you (past, presence or future). It is when you let go. It is when you set yourself free. Do not mistake this for not caring. There is a big difference between not caring and no longer feeling resentful.

   Definition number two, canceling a debt. I think many times when people hurt us so badly we feel like they have to do something to make up for it. That they somehow owe us and if they do enough acts of good it will somehow start canceling out all the bad they caused in the past. But this is not true and that is not what forgiveness is. When you forgive someone you wipe the slate clean. That is part of what sets you free. You're no longer waiting for the sorry you never get. You're no longer waiting for them to change or repay you. You're no longer waiting for them to "make things right." When you forgive someone you are letting go of all the hurt they have caused. And in case you need to hear it, yes you can forgive someone without them asking or even knowing that it was done. Many times we think of forgiveness as doing the debtor a favor when actually the most affected person is yourself.

   Our pastor told us a few things to make forgiveness seem achievable by telling us what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is letting go. Forgiving someone does mean no longer holding grudges. And forgiveness is canceling all debt you have held toward that person. Forgiveness is not denial of what others have done. Forgiving someone does not mean they have the right to walk all over you and it does not mean you have to let them. Lastly, and the one that I personally liked the best, forgiveness is not restoration of trust. Just because you forgive somebody does not mean they automatically have all trust restored. Unconditional love and forgiveness does not have to be accompanied by unconditional trust. Not to say that it can't be eventually rebuilt.

   This is long, so if you have made this far I have to say thank you. Addiction is something that pulls heavy on my heart and I felt it was worth while to get this out into writing. Many people don't realize that it is not only the addict that has to rise above addiction. And many people that have tried don't know how rising above a loved one's addiction is done. I have to say I didn't really know what to expect myself as I sat down to write. But I think as I bring this to a close I have realized the answer to this question is forgiveness. The reason we get off that roller coaster as addict supporters isn't because we aren't there for them anymore, it's because we realize we can still be there for them without going through the loops. Our emotional stability doesn't depend on their drugs, or relapses or even them being clean. It depends on us, it depends on you. And just as an addict has to take responsibility for their choices, so do we. And for me, well I choose to forgive.

Shake It Off

As many of you know Taylor Swift came out with a new song on Monday! It's poppy, it's catchy and it's a lot of fun. With how much much of a Tswizzle fan I am, here is my attempt at a non-biased review. If you by chance aren't like the other 95% of people in this world and have not heard the song (or seen the video) the link is at the bottom of this blog.

The song itself is very….upbeat! It's slightly repetitive (especially toward the end) and even I can see how it would be perceived as slightly annoying. I would also be surprised if it's played on many country stations with it being closer to a pop like genre. But she's been slowly moving away from the country music scene with each album she's had….we all know that!

But lets take a look at the message of the song. The point she's trying to get across is very clear. People everywhere will always talk. They will always twist the truth and they will always say bad things about you. Every person at some point in their life can identify with this. There are mean and hurtful people in this world and sadly that probably will not change….But the truth is we are the one's with the upper hand. Just like Taylor said in her interview (which you can watch here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AM9sq93pXVg ) you have to have more fun than they do. You have control over them, because you have control over how you react. You have control over how their words affect you. Who cares what they think and who cares what they say. You are you and you are beautiful….Someone cue Selena Gomez….Who says, who says you're not perfect ;)

But on a more serious note, too many people these days value what other people say about them more than what they think about themselves. I love that Taylor is speaking out about this. It takes someone like Swift, who has the influence on so many, to stand up and make an impact. People should be who they are, NO MATTER what that means. Be you and be happy. I for one am glad there is someone like Taylor Swift in this world. I hope people, teenagers, adults, outcasts and everyone everywhere hear this song and decide to "shake it off." I know it has inspired me. Not only to not sweat the small things or care about other people's opinions of myself….but also to inspire others to live this way as well. Imagine a world where everyone felt comfortable to be themselves and no one judged others….that would be a world I would be proud to live in. A world I would be proud to raise my kids in. And a world I hope we someday see. So, in my non-biased biased opinion…thank you Tswift for helping make this world a more beautiful place! And I have no doubt she will "shake off" any and all criticism her new song receives….either that or she'll just write a song about you ;)

http://www.vevo.com/watch/taylor-swift/Shake-It-Off/USCJY1431460?syndicationid=bb8a16ab-1279-4f17-969b-1dba5eb60eda&shortlink=O2QGie&country=US&referralurl=https:%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2F

What's Your Perspective?

As I sit down to write, I'm not really sure what I want to say. So we will see where this goes. I heard the news about Robin Williams and I was overcome by sadness. I thought to myself, but he is so funny. He's not a sad man. As I pulled up a few different articles I started to see that the character he plays in so many different hilarious films was the not the person he had become behind the scenes.

I then began to think, how many other people put on this "happy guy" persona. How many people do I come into contact with that have contemplated suicide in the past? That are contemplating suicide now? How many people have I not had the opportunity to meet because they have already taken their life?

As I sit and think about the reality of this, I have decided that life really comes down to perspective. From my chair it's easy to look at a person like Robin Williams and think he has it all. He's happy, hilarious and rich. What more do you need right? He's travelled the world and been given opportunities I could only dream of. But from his eyes he was sad, lonely and struggled severely with depression and addiction. I cannot know what specific struggles he faced, but I am sure if I had been able to sit down and talk to him yesterday, I would not have seen a happy man.

That made me think about my life. I went through such a low point a few years back that I would still consider it to be a rock bottom. And I thank God that I came through. There were moments I wasn't so sure. I remember one day, in the middle of all that, I was at work listening to a girl complain about menial boy problems. For a moment in time I was almost mad at her. The fact that the biggest problem in her life at that point was that some boy didn't return her phone call seemed like a joke to me. I was envious of the simplicity of her problems. But in the same moment my heart softened. With that being the biggest worry of her life, I was pretty sure she was going to be ok. I realized I couldn't be mad at her for not having to go through the struggles I had. And honestly I wouldn't have wished for her to anyways. From my perspective her boy problems were so small and simple. But to her, from her current perspective, it felt like her world was falling apart.

I think if I was able to go back in time and talk to this girl again I would tell her to be thankful she had a boy talking to her at all, some girls don't. To be thankful that she had parents who could afford to buy her her own cell phone, some girls don't. And especially to be thankful that she had a friend to talk it all over with, many people do not have that support. But on that same note, from Robin Williams perspective, I am sure there are a few things he could tell me to be more thankful for too. Had I seen this light in my dark days, maybe it would have made them a little brighter.

This is how I came to the conclusion that life is all about perspective. Life is not about what you do not have. Life is about what you do have. The only difference between these two sentences is one word. One simple word, but one not so simple concept. Sometimes I wonder how many lives would be saved if more people saw life in the latter.

I guess if I could leave you with something from all of this it would be one of my all time favorite quotes:

"Be kind to everyone you meet, they're fighting a battle you know nothing about."

Some peoples lives may seem perfectly held together to you on the "stage", but you have no idea what's going on behind their scenes. Be the smile the brightens their day. Be the kind act that restores their hope. Be the person that helps them see the GOOD in this world.  And live a life that gives them a reason to change their perspective.