I don't blog too often, but every once in awhile something weighs on my heart that I have a hard time expressing any other way than through writing. Addiction has been something in my life my for a very long time. But I think as I grow older, I learn and experience new aspects about it.
I have written a blog about addiction before, but these last six months I think I've experienced a new side. One that hasn't been easy. The last blog I wrote, years ago, talked about rising above the addiction of a someone you love. So, I find it a little ironic that I still struggle with it. I guess that's why addiction is so tricky. I'm not sure anyone ever really "figures" it out. It's more complicated than that.
The last blog I wrote I felt like I had answers. This time around, I feel like I have no answers at all. I think I would be a much better writer if I could put even an ounce of the emotions someone who cares about an addict feels, but I think truthfully it's something inexplainable unless you've felt it.
What I've struggled with most lately is moving on. Not that I haven't taken steps toward it, but that it feels like it's leaving the other person behind. How are you supposed to live every day like your world is okay, when you know that theirs isn't? Does it make you a bad person? Even though there's nothing you can do? Even if you've tried it all? I haven't fully figured that out yet.
I guess at this point I'm not sure where to go. Maybe as I write I'll figure it out. Things I do know is that I am a patient person, to a fault at times. Isn't it odd that's people's greatest strengths are also their greatest weaknesses? Maybe that's the irony of life. I also know that I have no control over some else's actions, despite any effort I've put in. The shitty part is accepting that.
Life throws you curve balls all the time. Sometimes you dodge them, sometimes you don't. This one has me so hung up. For a little back ground, I grew up with a drug addicted sister. Pretty much all my life. I went through the lying, cheating, stealing - my goodness you name it. Somehow, years later, despite the knowledge I should have had about it...I found myself in love with an alcoholic. It's started off okay, it honestly started off great. That's the thing about addicts - they aren't bad people. In fact, a think a lot of times they have some of the greatest hearts out there. That's what makes it so freaking hard. That's why you hang on, that's why you continually believe in them.
My boyfriend and I broke up around six months ago. At the time it wasn't even necessarily because I wanted to, it was because I had to. The choices made put us in the situation and I didn't want to continually be second place to alcohol. Since we've broken up, his drinking got worse. Decisions being made were not smart. But somehow, I still felt a pang of guilt. Like there was more I could do.
I think that's where the struggle with moving on comes into play. It's such a weird thing to watch my life progress while his seems to be in pause. And even though I know logically there's nothing I can do, I still feel bad. I still feel guilty. I still feel responsible to do more. And the thing that breaks my heart the most is that I know I can't. I stand back and watch him hurting and I know there is absolutely nothing in the world I can do to stop it.
So again, we come back to moving on. I hate having to let someone go that I know is hurting. I hate moving on with my life like everything is okay. I hate having the feeling every day that they need me. It's enough to break a person. So how do we do it? I guess I'm still figuring that part out. But you know what, I also think that's okay. I said early that sometimes peoples greatest strengths are also their biggest weakness. Maybe it's okay that I have a kind heart. Maybe it's okay that I love hard. Maybe it's okay to wish the best for someone.
But at the end of the day I still have choose what is best for me. I still have to be strong. I still have to remind myself that I already tried it all. I still have to know it's not my fault his life isn't progressing while I try to move forward. And I absolutely have to realize that moving on IS OKAY!!!! I'm not leaving someone. I'm not giving up on someone. I'm not being a bad person. And I am most definitely not prohibiting their recovery.
I'm not sure this blog will find many people. But maybe someday, somewhere, someone else will read this and realize it's okay to move on. It's okay to be you. It's okay to progress. You are not leaving someone behind. Maybe someday this blog will find someone and give them hope. Or at least comfort knowing they are not alone. There is something powerful in finding an ally. So for anyone else out there struggling to leave, struggling to find peace, struggling to move on - maybe the reason I started writing this was to tell you and to tell me, that it's okay.
Monday, November 5, 2018
Saturday, April 7, 2018
I Belong To Me
I'm usually not this open, especially on social media. For an example, I was talking to a co-worker just last week and she still didn't know I was divorced. I'm not big on showcasing my life and I don't view that as a bad thing. However, as I was going through my Facebook memories this morning I saw a song I had posted six years ago today. It's called "I Belong To Me" by Jessica Simpson. Something about that post stirred something in me that I knew I could only express through writing.
This world has thrown me through a whirlwind of hurt in the short time I've been on it that I would never wish upon anyone. A blog on that would take way too long to write, so I'll stay focused with the task on hand. As a result of my past, I tend to be guarded. I don't love often, but when I do - I love hard. If you have found your way close to my heart there is very little I wouldn't do for you. As I try to make sense of what I went through, I think that is part of the reason why I lost myself. I was unfortunately in a situation where my loyalty was taken advantage of by selfishness in an attempt to make me into a person I was not.
This song today hit me for a few different reasons, but one of the main ones was that I posted it before I had even met my ex-husband. This is what I said "funny how when you're in 'love' you can morph into this unrecognizable person (as shown in the video). But honestly if you ever have to start giving up who you are in the first place, it was never right to begin with." I lost who I was through my marriage. How did I let that happen if I had all that knowledge? Shouldn't I have recognized the signs?
I used to think the video to this song was weird. Now I can appreciate its beauty. I got to the point where I couldn't even recognize the person I looked at in the mirror. The happy, optimistic, fun, easy going Kristi was gone and replaced with someone who was filled with fear and never felt good enough. I think the series of scenes where she is in front of the mirror is so powerful. It reminds me of my post that sparked this blog to begin with- "funny how when you're in 'love' you can morph into this unrecognizable person." I think she displays this well. She portrays it in her video as a physical change, but all I can think when I watch it is how closely that represents how I felt on the inside. And then the end, the last few seconds of the video....when she rinses all the baggage off and comes up a new person. She maybe still didn't recognize herself, but at least she was ready to create herself.
That is where I am at today and man does it feel good. I found myself in the middle of this song for so long. I used to play it in my car on repeat. At that point in time I never imagined I'd be at the end. Where I was rinsed of the emotional baggage and abuse and not only free but ready to be me. To face myself in the mirror and get to create a person that I love. It's been a journey to get there and not all the time easy. There has been many tears shed and grieving I have gone through. But I remember the day that it flipped in my brain. In my past there have been a few times I had felt lost, not sure who I was or where to go. I always viewed that as a bad thing. Like it was my fault and I should just have all the answers. Or at least be able to know who I was. That seems like a simple question, right?! This time around it was different. Being lost didn't make me feel bad, it made me feel free. Through all the hurt I had gone through and was rising above I was gifted with a chance to start over...and the bigger piece, I was strong enough to take it. It was scary to "start over." Divorced at 27 wasn't the narrative I thought my life would have. But I realized that wasn't my story and that wasn't what had to define me. I get to choose and create and be what defines me. And after nearly five years of emotional abuse and being made to feel small and inadequate on a daily basis I can finally say - I am loving who I am creating myself to be. I recognize and like the person I see in the mirror each day - which brings tears to my eyes just to type it.
I've changed a lot over the last year and half, but in ways I am still the same. I still have walls up that I am working on letting down. I still don't let people in or love often, but when I do I still love hard. Through the process of creating myself I have also found that I have surrounded myself with people who do not take advantage of that. Rather than seeing my open heart as a chance to morph me into something I am not, they take it as an opportunity to lift me up. When I look around at the people close to me I am blown away by the caliber of my amazing support system. I am not sure how I got so lucky, but I truly feel loved - just for being Kristi. I am supported, encouraged and empowered on a daily basis, which is something I will never take for granted. As I bring this to a close I want to say thank you for all those people who have stood by my side through this crazy transition. As my life was uprooted and I was figuring out how to navigate through it. For giving me the courage to not only believe in myself but to truly embrace and love the person I have become.
I think the greatest realization and truest understanding I am coming into is that....I belong to me.
This world has thrown me through a whirlwind of hurt in the short time I've been on it that I would never wish upon anyone. A blog on that would take way too long to write, so I'll stay focused with the task on hand. As a result of my past, I tend to be guarded. I don't love often, but when I do - I love hard. If you have found your way close to my heart there is very little I wouldn't do for you. As I try to make sense of what I went through, I think that is part of the reason why I lost myself. I was unfortunately in a situation where my loyalty was taken advantage of by selfishness in an attempt to make me into a person I was not.
This song today hit me for a few different reasons, but one of the main ones was that I posted it before I had even met my ex-husband. This is what I said "funny how when you're in 'love' you can morph into this unrecognizable person (as shown in the video). But honestly if you ever have to start giving up who you are in the first place, it was never right to begin with." I lost who I was through my marriage. How did I let that happen if I had all that knowledge? Shouldn't I have recognized the signs?
I used to think the video to this song was weird. Now I can appreciate its beauty. I got to the point where I couldn't even recognize the person I looked at in the mirror. The happy, optimistic, fun, easy going Kristi was gone and replaced with someone who was filled with fear and never felt good enough. I think the series of scenes where she is in front of the mirror is so powerful. It reminds me of my post that sparked this blog to begin with- "funny how when you're in 'love' you can morph into this unrecognizable person." I think she displays this well. She portrays it in her video as a physical change, but all I can think when I watch it is how closely that represents how I felt on the inside. And then the end, the last few seconds of the video....when she rinses all the baggage off and comes up a new person. She maybe still didn't recognize herself, but at least she was ready to create herself.
That is where I am at today and man does it feel good. I found myself in the middle of this song for so long. I used to play it in my car on repeat. At that point in time I never imagined I'd be at the end. Where I was rinsed of the emotional baggage and abuse and not only free but ready to be me. To face myself in the mirror and get to create a person that I love. It's been a journey to get there and not all the time easy. There has been many tears shed and grieving I have gone through. But I remember the day that it flipped in my brain. In my past there have been a few times I had felt lost, not sure who I was or where to go. I always viewed that as a bad thing. Like it was my fault and I should just have all the answers. Or at least be able to know who I was. That seems like a simple question, right?! This time around it was different. Being lost didn't make me feel bad, it made me feel free. Through all the hurt I had gone through and was rising above I was gifted with a chance to start over...and the bigger piece, I was strong enough to take it. It was scary to "start over." Divorced at 27 wasn't the narrative I thought my life would have. But I realized that wasn't my story and that wasn't what had to define me. I get to choose and create and be what defines me. And after nearly five years of emotional abuse and being made to feel small and inadequate on a daily basis I can finally say - I am loving who I am creating myself to be. I recognize and like the person I see in the mirror each day - which brings tears to my eyes just to type it.
I've changed a lot over the last year and half, but in ways I am still the same. I still have walls up that I am working on letting down. I still don't let people in or love often, but when I do I still love hard. Through the process of creating myself I have also found that I have surrounded myself with people who do not take advantage of that. Rather than seeing my open heart as a chance to morph me into something I am not, they take it as an opportunity to lift me up. When I look around at the people close to me I am blown away by the caliber of my amazing support system. I am not sure how I got so lucky, but I truly feel loved - just for being Kristi. I am supported, encouraged and empowered on a daily basis, which is something I will never take for granted. As I bring this to a close I want to say thank you for all those people who have stood by my side through this crazy transition. As my life was uprooted and I was figuring out how to navigate through it. For giving me the courage to not only believe in myself but to truly embrace and love the person I have become.
I think the greatest realization and truest understanding I am coming into is that....I belong to me.
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Why Do People Die?
I have struggled with the topic of death for a long time, to the point that I have felt my faith on the subject has fallen short. Most of us have experienced death at least at some point in our lives. For me, I have dealt with it more than I would like. My best friend died when I was only 11 years old. She was in a fatal car wreck and the life of her mother was also taken that day. My sister had a miscarriage quite a few years back. The anger and confusion from losing a baby is hard to describe. My cousin committed suicide when I was seventeen years old. I could get into the feelings suicide evokes, but that would probably take up its own separate blog. And most recently my papa's life was taken by a very aggressive cancer, which is such an ugly ugly disease. Those are just a few examples of the more impacting experiences with death I have had, but as we all know there is death around us all every single day.
The overwhelming feeling I have been left with after all of these though has been the same and that is the question of why? I have struggled with death for so long because I just never understood how God could let these horrible things happen. If he has the power to heal why doesn't he? If he has control over everything, why doesn't he stop things from happening? A lot of people say, "everything happens for a reason" and "it's just part of God's plan." I am sorry, but I think that is a bunch of bull. People may think they are helping, but I refuse to believe that our God is a God that would "plan" for my 11 year old friend to die by a car being smashed into a tree. Or that he intended for my sister's unborn baby to be taken from us before we even got to meet. I do not believe my cousin was meant to take his own life. And I certainly don't believe that God planned for my papa to beat lung and brain cancer only to be taken by a leukemia in his blood. But then I am left with the same question....if these things are not part of His plan, then why do they happen?
With my papa passing recently, my struggle with this has really been brought to a forefront and to be honest I still wasn't really sure what I believed....until today. My pastor preached a sermon on death and he really helped something click. It clicked enough that I wanted to share and I hope you will take the time to read and share the experience with me.
First off, death was not originally supposed to be a part of our world. When sin came into this world evil and death entered with it. "Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all have sinned" (Romans 5:12). It is a fact that we live in a sin filled flawed world and that someday we all are going to die. That doesn't bring much comfort in time of grief, but it is because of this that bad things happen. Sometimes, a lot of times, to the people who we perceive deserve it the least. However, I do believe that our God can bring good out of any situation if we allow Him to. We just get so caught up in this temporary life that we forget God's intention for us is so much more. We were not meant to live in this world forever....that is one thing I can say with certainty is how God planned it to be.
The story our pastor used as an example was the story of Lazarus. Lazarus had two sisters, Mary and Martha. When Lazarus became ill they called to Jesus to heal him, but Jesus stayed where he was for two additional days before responding to their request. In this time, Lazarus died. When Jesus finally arrived Mary and Martha were angry. The way they felt, I imagine, is how I have felt in the past when I have lost someone I love. I felt sad, mad, confused. I wanted to scream at Jesus "WHERE WERE YOU?! If you had been here this wouldn't have happened, so the only conclusion is that you didn't show up when I needed you." In fact Martha says pretty much this exact thing. "Martha said (to Jesus) if you had been here my brother would not have died" (John 11: 21). There were many ways Jesus could have responded to this statement, and to be honest had it been me in His position I probably would have been a bit more snarky. But, our God is a God of patience and He calmly replied, "Dear Martha, I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die" (John 11:25). Jesus is saying to Martha, don't you see? Your brother did not die. He is more alive now than ever!
The greek word for death is thanatos, which means separation. Who we are isn't our body. Our spirit and soul are the makeup that comprise who we are, our bodies are simply their temporary home. To be absent from this body is not to be dead, but to be present with the Lord. We really do not die at all, we separate into who we are truly supposed to be. This is the version of ourselves God always intended for us to be, but through sin this plan was changed. God then found a way for us to leave this sin filled flawed world and join Him for eternal life in heaven. "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have ever lasting life" (John 3:16).
So that brings me back to my question of why do people die? Well, what I learned today is that no one really dies in the fact that they cease to exist...people separate from this life into the next because God is such a great God that despite our sins and the fact that we will always fall short, He has made a way for us to live perfectly with Him forever. While we are still left on earth to miss the loved ones we have lost, the day they die should be worth more celebration than the day they were born, for that is the day they begin to truly live.
The overwhelming feeling I have been left with after all of these though has been the same and that is the question of why? I have struggled with death for so long because I just never understood how God could let these horrible things happen. If he has the power to heal why doesn't he? If he has control over everything, why doesn't he stop things from happening? A lot of people say, "everything happens for a reason" and "it's just part of God's plan." I am sorry, but I think that is a bunch of bull. People may think they are helping, but I refuse to believe that our God is a God that would "plan" for my 11 year old friend to die by a car being smashed into a tree. Or that he intended for my sister's unborn baby to be taken from us before we even got to meet. I do not believe my cousin was meant to take his own life. And I certainly don't believe that God planned for my papa to beat lung and brain cancer only to be taken by a leukemia in his blood. But then I am left with the same question....if these things are not part of His plan, then why do they happen?
With my papa passing recently, my struggle with this has really been brought to a forefront and to be honest I still wasn't really sure what I believed....until today. My pastor preached a sermon on death and he really helped something click. It clicked enough that I wanted to share and I hope you will take the time to read and share the experience with me.
First off, death was not originally supposed to be a part of our world. When sin came into this world evil and death entered with it. "Therefore, just as through one man sin entered the world, and death through sin, and thus death spread to all men, because all have sinned" (Romans 5:12). It is a fact that we live in a sin filled flawed world and that someday we all are going to die. That doesn't bring much comfort in time of grief, but it is because of this that bad things happen. Sometimes, a lot of times, to the people who we perceive deserve it the least. However, I do believe that our God can bring good out of any situation if we allow Him to. We just get so caught up in this temporary life that we forget God's intention for us is so much more. We were not meant to live in this world forever....that is one thing I can say with certainty is how God planned it to be.
The story our pastor used as an example was the story of Lazarus. Lazarus had two sisters, Mary and Martha. When Lazarus became ill they called to Jesus to heal him, but Jesus stayed where he was for two additional days before responding to their request. In this time, Lazarus died. When Jesus finally arrived Mary and Martha were angry. The way they felt, I imagine, is how I have felt in the past when I have lost someone I love. I felt sad, mad, confused. I wanted to scream at Jesus "WHERE WERE YOU?! If you had been here this wouldn't have happened, so the only conclusion is that you didn't show up when I needed you." In fact Martha says pretty much this exact thing. "Martha said (to Jesus) if you had been here my brother would not have died" (John 11: 21). There were many ways Jesus could have responded to this statement, and to be honest had it been me in His position I probably would have been a bit more snarky. But, our God is a God of patience and He calmly replied, "Dear Martha, I am the resurrection and the life. He who believes in Me, though he may die, shall live. And whoever lives and believes in Me shall never die" (John 11:25). Jesus is saying to Martha, don't you see? Your brother did not die. He is more alive now than ever!
The greek word for death is thanatos, which means separation. Who we are isn't our body. Our spirit and soul are the makeup that comprise who we are, our bodies are simply their temporary home. To be absent from this body is not to be dead, but to be present with the Lord. We really do not die at all, we separate into who we are truly supposed to be. This is the version of ourselves God always intended for us to be, but through sin this plan was changed. God then found a way for us to leave this sin filled flawed world and join Him for eternal life in heaven. "For God so loved the world that He gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have ever lasting life" (John 3:16).
So that brings me back to my question of why do people die? Well, what I learned today is that no one really dies in the fact that they cease to exist...people separate from this life into the next because God is such a great God that despite our sins and the fact that we will always fall short, He has made a way for us to live perfectly with Him forever. While we are still left on earth to miss the loved ones we have lost, the day they die should be worth more celebration than the day they were born, for that is the day they begin to truly live.
Sunday, April 19, 2015
Happy?!
Everyone wants to be happy right? It's what we all strive for. So tell me, why do so many of us find ourselves stuck? Unhappy with our lives, unhappy with who we are?
I think the answer is more simple than many people think, but often times not one people want to hear.
In a world where things are constantly handed to us I think we forget that happiness is not one of them. Very few people randomly fall into a joyous, happy, stable life by chance. Happiness does not come without effort.
Happiness comes by series of conscious decisions and efforts to make your life into what you want it to be. Happiness comes by choosing to receive God's grace. Happiness comes one choice at a time. Happiness is sometimes a gradual change. And happiness is something you can always choose to have.
I strongly believe that the most powerful thing in your life is your mind. Your thoughts, what you believe, this guides your actions and your actions make you who you are. The mind though, is a funny thing because it's always changing. The good news about this is that you can always choose how you live and what you think. Decide who you want to be and take the appropriate steps to get there.
So the next time you catch yourself complaining about life and pondering how unhappy you are with where you're at....remember that you are the only person in your life that has the power to change it.
I think the answer is more simple than many people think, but often times not one people want to hear.
In a world where things are constantly handed to us I think we forget that happiness is not one of them. Very few people randomly fall into a joyous, happy, stable life by chance. Happiness does not come without effort.
Happiness comes by series of conscious decisions and efforts to make your life into what you want it to be. Happiness comes by choosing to receive God's grace. Happiness comes one choice at a time. Happiness is sometimes a gradual change. And happiness is something you can always choose to have.
I strongly believe that the most powerful thing in your life is your mind. Your thoughts, what you believe, this guides your actions and your actions make you who you are. The mind though, is a funny thing because it's always changing. The good news about this is that you can always choose how you live and what you think. Decide who you want to be and take the appropriate steps to get there.
So the next time you catch yourself complaining about life and pondering how unhappy you are with where you're at....remember that you are the only person in your life that has the power to change it.
Sunday, February 8, 2015
Supporting an Addict While Rising Above Addiction
Someone I know posted some pictures on Facebook this morning (pasted below). Her husband, who has struggled with drugs, pushed her out of a car and ran over her foot. These are brutal, but what caught my attention most wasn't the pictures themselves as much the comment she made. As I read through what happened I came across a part where she said she was thankful this happened. That it was what she needed to realize that she couldn't save him. I think this is only a comment that someone who has been in her shoes, trying to save an addict they love, could really understand.
This blog post may not relate to everybody, but I am hoping to relate to those people who like me, have a family member or a close friend that is an addict. People who have been through the struggle and have felt that same painful/thankful wake up moment. The combination of the pictures and her statement really hit me deep for a couple different reasons.
One, because of the pictures themselves. I thought to myself wow, what a great visual representation of what addiction does to those around you. My outsides might not have physically changed as I watched my sister struggle with addiction for so many years, but I can sure tell you my insides felt just like her foot for so very long, sometimes still. To watch someone you love be controlled by such an ugly substance is emotional torture. You want to save them so bad, to make them just stop.....and the realization that you can't, well that's one of the hardest parts.
That brings me to the other thing her post had me pondering. You hear people say all the time that an addict has to hit rock bottom on their own to change their ways. Well, I think that same statement is true for an addict's family members and friends as well. Living with an addict or being part of an addict's life period is such a roller coaster that is truly almost impossible to not fall off of at some point. You give chance after chance after chance. You try to help and try to help and try help. And at some point this person you love so much has hurt you so badly that you realize you're almost as un-okay as they are. I think rock bottom for us is not just the understanding that we can't change the person, but the acceptance of it. This rock bottom can be considered somewhat of a blessing, but many times it takes an extreme event of hurt for this acceptance to sink in. Whether physical, mental, or emotional it is undoubtably painful. There is a line that is crossed and you realize that you are no longer looking at the person you once knew. This is followed by a period of sadness and grieving as we let go, join those who have already fallen off the ride and wait for the rest of those that haven't and are still holding on.
What I think many people do not understand, particularly addicts themselves, is that this point of acceptance is not giving up on that person. It is simply realizing for yourself that they are not going to change, not matter what you do, until they decide for themselves they are ready. And until they are ready to be serious, we have no emotional energy to help without crumbling. It is not giving up on them at all, it is setting yourself free so that you can live without addiction. And I think it is at this rock bottom of realization that we are able to start rising above the addiction of our loved ones.
These were the thoughts circling my head as I got ready this morning....and then my pastor preaches a sermon on forgiveness. Oh man, God sure does have good timing. This is what I learned:
Setting yourself free does not mean you haven't forgiven someone....in fact it means that you have. Un-forgiveness can be as binding as addiction itself. So if you are struggling with this, I assure you holding onto a grudge is not the way to go. I took the liberty of looking up the definition of forgive and this is what I found.
Forgive (verb): 1. to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw or mistake.
This blog post may not relate to everybody, but I am hoping to relate to those people who like me, have a family member or a close friend that is an addict. People who have been through the struggle and have felt that same painful/thankful wake up moment. The combination of the pictures and her statement really hit me deep for a couple different reasons.
One, because of the pictures themselves. I thought to myself wow, what a great visual representation of what addiction does to those around you. My outsides might not have physically changed as I watched my sister struggle with addiction for so many years, but I can sure tell you my insides felt just like her foot for so very long, sometimes still. To watch someone you love be controlled by such an ugly substance is emotional torture. You want to save them so bad, to make them just stop.....and the realization that you can't, well that's one of the hardest parts.
That brings me to the other thing her post had me pondering. You hear people say all the time that an addict has to hit rock bottom on their own to change their ways. Well, I think that same statement is true for an addict's family members and friends as well. Living with an addict or being part of an addict's life period is such a roller coaster that is truly almost impossible to not fall off of at some point. You give chance after chance after chance. You try to help and try to help and try help. And at some point this person you love so much has hurt you so badly that you realize you're almost as un-okay as they are. I think rock bottom for us is not just the understanding that we can't change the person, but the acceptance of it. This rock bottom can be considered somewhat of a blessing, but many times it takes an extreme event of hurt for this acceptance to sink in. Whether physical, mental, or emotional it is undoubtably painful. There is a line that is crossed and you realize that you are no longer looking at the person you once knew. This is followed by a period of sadness and grieving as we let go, join those who have already fallen off the ride and wait for the rest of those that haven't and are still holding on.
What I think many people do not understand, particularly addicts themselves, is that this point of acceptance is not giving up on that person. It is simply realizing for yourself that they are not going to change, not matter what you do, until they decide for themselves they are ready. And until they are ready to be serious, we have no emotional energy to help without crumbling. It is not giving up on them at all, it is setting yourself free so that you can live without addiction. And I think it is at this rock bottom of realization that we are able to start rising above the addiction of our loved ones.
These were the thoughts circling my head as I got ready this morning....and then my pastor preaches a sermon on forgiveness. Oh man, God sure does have good timing. This is what I learned:
Setting yourself free does not mean you haven't forgiven someone....in fact it means that you have. Un-forgiveness can be as binding as addiction itself. So if you are struggling with this, I assure you holding onto a grudge is not the way to go. I took the liberty of looking up the definition of forgive and this is what I found.
Forgive (verb): 1. to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw or mistake.
2. canceling a debt.
Lets start with definition number one. I skipped earlier the feelings of anger, frustration and sometimes all out furry we feel towards addiction. Sometimes at the person themselves, many times at addiction period. But as we struggle with these feelings of madness we are still on the ride. We feel every rise, drop and loop of the roller coaster we are still on. That is not the period of addiction her post made me think of (and to be honest that would take up enough room for a completely separate blog). But this helps to prove my point. Forgiveness is when these feelings stop. It is when you are no longer affected by the actions of those who hurt you (past, presence or future). It is when you let go. It is when you set yourself free. Do not mistake this for not caring. There is a big difference between not caring and no longer feeling resentful.
Definition number two, canceling a debt. I think many times when people hurt us so badly we feel like they have to do something to make up for it. That they somehow owe us and if they do enough acts of good it will somehow start canceling out all the bad they caused in the past. But this is not true and that is not what forgiveness is. When you forgive someone you wipe the slate clean. That is part of what sets you free. You're no longer waiting for the sorry you never get. You're no longer waiting for them to change or repay you. You're no longer waiting for them to "make things right." When you forgive someone you are letting go of all the hurt they have caused. And in case you need to hear it, yes you can forgive someone without them asking or even knowing that it was done. Many times we think of forgiveness as doing the debtor a favor when actually the most affected person is yourself.
Our pastor told us a few things to make forgiveness seem achievable by telling us what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is letting go. Forgiving someone does mean no longer holding grudges. And forgiveness is canceling all debt you have held toward that person. Forgiveness is not denial of what others have done. Forgiving someone does not mean they have the right to walk all over you and it does not mean you have to let them. Lastly, and the one that I personally liked the best, forgiveness is not restoration of trust. Just because you forgive somebody does not mean they automatically have all trust restored. Unconditional love and forgiveness does not have to be accompanied by unconditional trust. Not to say that it can't be eventually rebuilt.
This is long, so if you have made this far I have to say thank you. Addiction is something that pulls heavy on my heart and I felt it was worth while to get this out into writing. Many people don't realize that it is not only the addict that has to rise above addiction. And many people that have tried don't know how rising above a loved one's addiction is done. I have to say I didn't really know what to expect myself as I sat down to write. But I think as I bring this to a close I have realized the answer to this question is forgiveness. The reason we get off that roller coaster as addict supporters isn't because we aren't there for them anymore, it's because we realize we can still be there for them without going through the loops. Our emotional stability doesn't depend on their drugs, or relapses or even them being clean. It depends on us, it depends on you. And just as an addict has to take responsibility for their choices, so do we. And for me, well I choose to forgive.
Lets start with definition number one. I skipped earlier the feelings of anger, frustration and sometimes all out furry we feel towards addiction. Sometimes at the person themselves, many times at addiction period. But as we struggle with these feelings of madness we are still on the ride. We feel every rise, drop and loop of the roller coaster we are still on. That is not the period of addiction her post made me think of (and to be honest that would take up enough room for a completely separate blog). But this helps to prove my point. Forgiveness is when these feelings stop. It is when you are no longer affected by the actions of those who hurt you (past, presence or future). It is when you let go. It is when you set yourself free. Do not mistake this for not caring. There is a big difference between not caring and no longer feeling resentful.
Definition number two, canceling a debt. I think many times when people hurt us so badly we feel like they have to do something to make up for it. That they somehow owe us and if they do enough acts of good it will somehow start canceling out all the bad they caused in the past. But this is not true and that is not what forgiveness is. When you forgive someone you wipe the slate clean. That is part of what sets you free. You're no longer waiting for the sorry you never get. You're no longer waiting for them to change or repay you. You're no longer waiting for them to "make things right." When you forgive someone you are letting go of all the hurt they have caused. And in case you need to hear it, yes you can forgive someone without them asking or even knowing that it was done. Many times we think of forgiveness as doing the debtor a favor when actually the most affected person is yourself.
Our pastor told us a few things to make forgiveness seem achievable by telling us what forgiveness is and what forgiveness is not. Forgiveness is letting go. Forgiving someone does mean no longer holding grudges. And forgiveness is canceling all debt you have held toward that person. Forgiveness is not denial of what others have done. Forgiving someone does not mean they have the right to walk all over you and it does not mean you have to let them. Lastly, and the one that I personally liked the best, forgiveness is not restoration of trust. Just because you forgive somebody does not mean they automatically have all trust restored. Unconditional love and forgiveness does not have to be accompanied by unconditional trust. Not to say that it can't be eventually rebuilt.
This is long, so if you have made this far I have to say thank you. Addiction is something that pulls heavy on my heart and I felt it was worth while to get this out into writing. Many people don't realize that it is not only the addict that has to rise above addiction. And many people that have tried don't know how rising above a loved one's addiction is done. I have to say I didn't really know what to expect myself as I sat down to write. But I think as I bring this to a close I have realized the answer to this question is forgiveness. The reason we get off that roller coaster as addict supporters isn't because we aren't there for them anymore, it's because we realize we can still be there for them without going through the loops. Our emotional stability doesn't depend on their drugs, or relapses or even them being clean. It depends on us, it depends on you. And just as an addict has to take responsibility for their choices, so do we. And for me, well I choose to forgive.
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